Being a Dad

Through my experience, I have been faced with very similar challenges in all the contexts that I have ​

​worked in. Problems present themselves mostly through a child’s behaviour or academic performance, but behind this there is a desperate need from the child and the parents to be seen, heard and understood. This looks very different from family to family, but underneath it’s all very similar. I was, and am still presented with parents who are going through difficult times with their children (or their partner or parents) and they ask for help, or in many cases for me to fix the problem. I cannot fix problems, but I can assist clients to address their problems and make the necessary changes. I saw this need constantly presenting itself to me and so I decided to start running talks and presentations to parents so that I could reach a broader audience as opposed to the individual cases.

It has been clear that the vast majority of attendees are mom’s, in fact the bulk of talk and presentations on the topic of children and families is generally geared towards moms, and this extend to the majority of workshops and courses I have attended over the years, that have been predominantly female attendees. I often felt out of place and as though the talks were not for me, which lead me to the question of, what about the dads?

Dad’s play a critical role in the development of a child, whether biological, or not. The father-figure role that a child (both boys and girls) needs to interact with plays such a critical role that there is research to suggest that “fatherlessness is possibly the single biggest driver for social dysfunction in communities around the world” (Wilkinson, 2013, p. 94). Being a dad is an incredible job, or rather an incredible privilege. Let’s work towards being the best dad’s we can be, to give our kids (sons and daughters) an unforgettable childhood that they can share and pass onto their children.

DAD by Craig Wilkinson

A couple years agoI attended a talk by Craig Wilkinson where he shared his story and his insights that lead to his book “Dad”.

I refer parents (moms and dads) to this book regularly as it conveys the significance of the dad-role in a child’s life, along with some very important lessons and understandings about the (as Craig puts it) “responsibility-laced privilege” of being a dad.I highly recommend that you get your hands on this book (digital or hard copy). There is even an interactive online course you can do for a more hands on approach.

Craig discusses that more and more research indicates that “fatherlessness is possibly the biggest driver of social dysfunction in communities around the world”. -He further tells of another author who worked a lot with men in prisons, and he was working with a particular group of men. They were approaching mother’s day and all the men were very keen to ask him to pass a card on to their mothers. As father’s day approached he pre-empted something similar from the men - except none of them asked him to send a card to their dads. When he investigated this they either shared that they didn’t know their father or had an estranged relationship with their dads. - it’s not necessarily the reason they are in jail, but we can’t overlook the impact this had on them and their experiences.

According to Craig, boys “ask” their dad’s three important questions through their lives - who am I (self-identity), do I matter (validity) and do I have what it takes (Self-belief)? only a boy’s father can answer these questions effectively. Answering these questions effectively helps create a secure, and strong young man. On the other hand, not having answers leaves a significant wound within our ‘masculine soul’, and sadly “wounded men wound”.

Fundamental to the nature of masculinity is that it cannot simply be taught - it needs to be imparted. This requires a father to be present, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally too, to engage and share experiences with his son.

Craig includes a letter that his 18 year old son wrote for him. It is an incredibly moving and powerful letter which tells us about his personal experience of being fathered. I strongly recommend that you get a copy of the book and read this, a few times.

Dad’s do it differently

Let’s be honest, dad’s do things differently. This can be fun, and the kids often love it, BUT this can often be quite different to how a mom may do things. This can create quite a lot of tension in a relationship. Men and women are different, that’s ok. There is certainly nothing wrong with this, and in fact it is important and necessary, but this needs to be discussed and communicated effectively between partners. Sadly, I engage with families where communication has either broken or is not effective, leading to frustration and conflict. Communicate about how you may do things differently so there is an understanding and expectations can be adjusted accordingly.

Something that has become quite evident in my experience, not only in working with parents, but also just existing in the world today, is that a dad’s role is seems to be constantly reduced and reduced to the point that the father plays a very small role in his own children’s lives. So even in families where mom and dad are happily married, dad can still function as an absent father. This seems to be partially because dad’s may feel like his wife regularly has an issue with how he does things, or he forgets things (because its new and different for him) and she has slowly assumed more responsibility. As this happens, I often find that a dad may take a step back because of a range of different reasons from feeling inadequate, embarrassed, or overwhelmed as a few examples. This then feeds that cycle of a mom needing to do more and so this continues. We certainly cannot place blame as there are many contributing factors, one of which we cannot overlook is society and the expectations that are placed on parents based on what their roles are expected to be.

If we do not actively challenge these personal and societal expectations, we will never break the cycle. Being an involved dad requires one to be an actively involved participant in all aspects of a child’s life. Being a dad takes hard work and repetitive effort. It takes many mistakes, but a willingness to learn from these mistakes. It takes the courage to tell your wife or partner that you want to be involved, you want to do more and so “please help me to learn or remember what I need to do”.

It also takes effective teamwork and absolutely critical communication. On this point, it’s important to remember that men and women are different, and think and engage with the world differently (neither one is right or wrong) but communication is not simply talking to each other, rather it’s about ensuring you convert your message in a way the other will fully understand it, and similarly making an effort to fully grasp what has been said to you. Try to eliminate confusion and misunderstandings by using reflective talk to indicate what you have heard and understand. Get this right and you’re on the right track.

My Dad Is…

An important statement we need to consider and complete is “my dad is…”

We need to consider this not only for how your children may complete it, but probably more importantly reflect on your now relationship with your father. Your experience with your father will directly impact your relationship with your own children. Be cognisant of this, reflect on it, and if you need to work with someone on this.

As I mentioned earlier - “wounded men wound”, so take some time to reflect on this to address any issues you need to and heal your own wounds. Also, ask yourself how you would want you children to fill in the blank for this statement, and then ensure that you are living it.

The new manhood by Steve Biddulph (author of the book Raising Boys) is another book I would recommend you get a copy of. One thing that Steve talks about which I found quite significant is that in order for a man to actively work towards being a great father, he needs to engage with his own father and forgive him - for whatever it is that they are carrying with them. If you are lucky enough to still be able to have a conversation, do it. If not, it can be a bit more difficult but you can still work towards forgiveness. There is often a lot that we carry with us from this relationship with our own fathers that we may be unaware of, take some time to reflect and engage, and then take action and ownership for the “responsibility-laced privilege” of being a dad so you can make the most of it.

This takes hard work, effort and engagement, but in the end it is all worth it. Being a dad is awesome, so be the hero and the role-model your children want to learn from.

#dad #DADitude #parenting

The Angry Child

Anger has a place

Anger is an emotion that we all experience to some degree, probably on a daily basis. It is normal and natural to experience this emotion, however, how we act it out and respond to it can look very different from person to person. Some people may seem like they never get angry, while others seem constantly angry. Finding the right balance between acknowledging our emotions and expressing our emotions can be quite a tricky process that can sometimes leave us a little red in the face.

The biology of anger

It is well documented that anger and aggression have some roots in our genetic make up. Bearing this i

n mind, we may be able to look back at our families over the generations and notice certain trends that may relate to anger, aggression, short tempers and low self control. If you notice any of this in your past, it is likely that there may be genetic predispositions within your family towards higher levels of anger and aggression. Now, it is important to understand that just because one may have a genetic predisposition towards something, there is no guarantee that they will ‘become’ or display those tendencies. For example, just because there may be some familial indication of a predisposition towards anger or aggression, this does not mean that your child will be an angry or aggressive child. At the end of the day, our environments and life experiences will ultimately determine whether we ‘become’ that or not. If a child who may have a tendency towards being short tempered and aggressive learns good self awareness and self regulation techniques as well as appropriate ways to display their emotions, they may never be seen as angry or aggressive. Our environments ultimately shape us.

Family Environment

The family environment is probably the most important context in which a child exists. It is the context in which a child begins to develop relationships, coping skills and problem-solving abilities. It is the context that provides safety and security, love, care and affection. The extend to which a child receives all of this will vary drastically from individual to individual, however, this remains a fundamental factor in our development. As we consider the significance of this environment, we need to bear in mind the following element which contribute to the family context: ​

• Parental dynamics

• Sibling dynamics

• Boundaries & Discipline structures

• Power Dynamic

• Conflict Management

• Communication.

Child’s Context

Within the whole exists the various parts, one of which is your child. Irrespective of what challenges you may be facing with your child, you need to put them into context before anything else. For this, one needs to seriously consider the following are significant and dynamic factors that impact a child’s

development, relationships and communication:

• Age - take into context where your child is developmentally as this impacts what they can or cant do, how they view the world and how they think or feel about things.

• Gender - this has developmental consequences which may impact your child, as well as social-developmental considerations such as how we socialise boys vs girls for example.

• Birth Order - there is much research which indicates the significance order of birth and various personality traits or characteristics. Consider this seriously within the context of your family.

• Personal Experience - what has your child actually experienced on a day or over time which may have contributed to a specific mood or outburst.

Parent’s Context

Very similar to above, we need to consider our own context as a parent and where we have come from. We need to bear in mind:

• Developmental phase - Our own developmental period will impact how we engage with the world significantly.

• Age and Gender - these will significantly impact how we have engaged with the world and as such how we have learned to be.

• Own family and siblings - what were our upbringings like within our own families and with our own siblings.

• Personality - how do we handle life and all the good and bad that comes along with it.

• Relationship status - the type and quality of our relationships will impact us as well as be a model relationship for our children.

• Personal Experiences - what you have been through contributes to who you are today.

• My Contribution - how have I contributed to my child’s situation. Have I been too pushy, or over involved for example.

• My Reaction - how have I reacted to my child’s behaviour.

• My Modelling - what do I model to my child every day.

Anger Management

Dealing with an angry child can be extremely challenging and exhausting, especially if you are trying something new or dealing with a new developmental period. Here are some critical considerations to bear in mind when faced with an unruly child:

• Manage own emotions - first and foremost you need to be able to manage and control your own emotions. If you are not able to self-regulate or are not even aware of your own emotional levels, then you may as well be dealing with two children. Managing your own emotions takes patience, practice and self-awareness. You will need to be able to identify your own triggers, insecurities and strengths and weaknesses so that you can remain relativity in control as opposed to just ‘reacting’ to life.

• Assess the situation - Take a moment to assess the situation at hand, the age and context of your child, family dynamics, school dynamics, what’s contributed and how you have or are adding to the situation. Once you have more awareness about a situation, it becomes that much easier to manage.

• Lesson to be learned - asking yourself what you want your child to learn from a situation should be a standard question that every parent constantly asks themselves. If you consider that every interaction with your child is a learning opportunity, we start to view things slightly differently. Each engagement is an opportunity to informally teach your child how to proactively, positively and responsibly handle situations and problems.

• Practice and Consistency - Teaching yourself and your child how to manage their emotions and how to handle the challenges life throws take practice and consistency. You have to keep on doing the same, positive lesson over and over. Without a consistent message, we may as well stop as children will find ways around the inconsistent structures and interactions, thus making the ‘lessons’ null and void.

• Be in control - the relationship between a parent and a child is a constant power battle. Losing our temper, shouting and screaming and just plain ‘losing it’ are the easiest way to hand the power to your child. Remain cool, calm and collected (at least in front of your child) so that you maintain power in the relationship and so your child learns who is in charge and where the boundaries are.

• Time - once again, be patient. This takes time, and unfortunately, as you feel you have got a good handle on things your child will move into another developmental phase and things start all over again. Know this is coming, expect this so it becomes a little easier to manage when the time comes. ​

Coping with your child's exams

Your role as a parent

As we approach the mid-year examinations, we need to take a moment to reflect on the year so far, and the role we are playing in our child/children’s lives. We consider what our role really is in relation to our children. I am certain that all of us can agree that in some way, we all want to help our children be the very best that they can be, to reach their potential, to achieve in some aspect of their schooling career, or something along those lines. As we reflect upon this, we need to seriously consider whether what we are helping our children achieve is the best for them, or the best for US. What are the expectations that we have for our children, as often these can be unrealistic or even misaligned from what a child is willing or able to achieve. These unrealistic expectations can place a significant amount of pressure on a child, adding to the already stressful and turbulent challenges which they face. As we reflect on this we can then begin to consider whether the support and guidance that we offer (whether unsolicited or not) is helping or hindering our children’s performance as we seem to face the same fights an challenges every year around exam time.

Multiple Roles

Sometimes as parents we need to be able to fulfill multiple roles in order to support and guide our children when they need it, however, it is necessary to remember that we do not need to feature as the following for our children as they have enough of these in their lives already:

• Teacher

• Critic

• Policeman

• PA

• Study-buddy

• Drill sergeant

Yes, at times our role as a parent may reflect some similar characteristics, but the frequency and intensity of the characteristics from the list above should be low. Rather let the individuals who are trained, experienced or employed for the various roles take on the tasks on a regular basis. This means that you will have more time for the important role of being a parent.

You are their parent, which means that throughout your day you will need to juggle between two crucial ‘hats’, one of “parent” and the other of “mom” or “dad”.

That first hat of “parent” refers to the critical role of disciplinarian that needs to play a key role daily. This role requires you to enforce the rules, implement consequences and be strict and firm with your child when needed. This is a relatively unemotional role due to the fact that our emotions complicate our actions and decisions, and most often our children know how to exploit our emotions. This hat should be put on for short periods, and only when necessary, to address negative behavior and enforce the structures, rules and consequences that have been agreed upon and implemented within your home.

The second hat of “mom” or “dad” is the emotional, loving and caring role that plays such a vital role in supporting, guiding and building up your child. It reinforces their characteristics and views about people and the world and ultimately helps shape them into the individuals that they will become. This role allows us to connect, build deep and meaningful relationships and teach those valuable lessons.

Considering these ‘hats’ we need to juggle, it makes sense that we should be the following for our children:

• Role model

• Supporter

• Guide

• Mirror

• “Google”

• Parent

Whose exams are they anyway?

The exams coming up are your children’s examinations, NOT yours. You have completed yours a while ago (not too long ago I am sure), and as such it is absolutely critical that it is your own children who do all the learning, studying and preparation of the exams as they are the ones who will be sitting in the exam room writing, not you. It is critical that you adopt this understanding early on so that your children learn to take responsibility for their learning, and the results of their efforts. If they don’t, who is more disappointed when the results are released, you or them? In preparing for examinations, we want to assist by helping to equip our children with the necessary skills required to learn, study, manage stress and achieve their goals.

What to do

As a parent, you need to remain involved in your child’s studies and exam preparation, however, the level of involvement will vary depending on the variables present. Each family is different, and even within families, there will be critical areas of difference, such as age, personality, temperament, motivation etc. You need to consider all these factors and work with them, not against them. Try to not force your children to work and study the way you want or need them to. Rather engage with them as an individual and encourage them to draw on their own strengths. The level of your involvement will decrease as your child’s grade increases. By High School you should be relatively uninvolved in your child’s actual studying, note taking, study timetabling etc. If you assume the role of “policeman” and you chase after your children, ensuring that they are working, and checking up on them, what are they learning from this experience. For a child, and especially a teenager, they realize that they don't need to take charge and be responsible because mom or dad is going to follow up. “Mom or dad will make sure I have a study timetable. Mom or dad will make sure I have my notes, and will sit with me and make my notes for me, so why do I have to do it for myself?” Provide the framework, boundaries and expectations, but do not do the work for your child. If this means that they fail an exam or two, or even a term, it is ok (discuss this with their teachers so that they are aware and can support). Letting your child fail at something is one of the best things that you can do for them as a parent. This is then followed up with support, encouragement and guidance, NOT punishment and lecturing.

Stress and the brain

Stress affects all of us daily, and as a parent we often take on a great deal of our children’s stress. We need to consider whether this actually helps the situation or just complicates it more. We need to understand how stress affects the brain in order to gain greater control over ourselves to be as productive and effective as possible.

Very simply, we can view the brain as having three critical components:

1. The “Primitive” or “Reptilian” Brain - This part of our brain manages all of our automatic systems that keeps us alive on a daily basis. These things happen without us having to think about them,

such as breathing. In extremely stressful situations our “reptilian brain” kicks in and we can find ourselves reacting to situations with a fight, flight or freeze response. Most often we cannot really control this response and it happens with very little thought. This is our brain’s reaction to highly stressful situations where it’s primary concerns is survival. Imagine this part of the brain has characteristics like a crocodile - still and calm, unless provoked when it then becomes very dangerous and reactive.

We want to try to remain ‘out’ of this brain as there is very little thinking that happens here. We need to keep the “crocodile” calm and happy to carry doing what it does best, keeping us alive.

1. The second part of the brain is the “Emotional Brain”. This part of the brain is controlled by our emotions and is characterized like an elephant - strong, powerful and quite incredible, unless agitated when it then becomes dangerous and unpredictable. Our emotions can be such an incredible tool for us, if we are able to control them, but when they start to control us, we are constantly on edge just trying to deal with situations. Too much agitation in this area can begin to ‘activate’ our ‘Reptilian Brain’. If this happens, we have no chance of remaining in control of a situation, let alone being able to think clearly, recall information or learn anything.

Learning to tame and control your “elephant” will be one of the greatest skills you can learn as this means you will be able to (mostly) remain in control of your emotions which opens us so many possibilities for enhanced communication, relationships and learning.

1. The third part of our brain is the part that essentially allows us to think, learn, engage critically, solve problems and the like. This is our higher order brain, the boss of our critical brian, “The CEO”.

This part of the brain is responsible for all the learning, recalling information, application of understanding. The “CEO” is quite particular about the working (thinking) conditions and refuses to work if the “Elephant” is making to much noise and seems agitated. The CEO requires the “Elephant” to be calm in order for productive and effective learning and work to take place. If the “Reptilian Brain” is active, there is no chance that this thinking brain will function well, if at all.

With the above in mind, it becomes clear as to why it is so important for us to ensure we manage our emotions, to self -regulate so that we can remain in control of our thoughts and be as productive and effective as possible. As a parent, we cannot just teach and expect our children to adopt strategies to manage their stress, they HAVE TO see you doing it. Children will learn best through modeling, and so the responsibility is on your shoulders to ensure that you demonstrate the necessary skills to manage your own emotions.

Nutrition and the brain

Our nutrition intake will impact how our brains function. Our bodies are like cars, and require specific fuel in order to function. Just like with our cars, we can put cheap alternatives in and get from A to B, but sooner or later we will be faced with a ‘breakdown’ of some description. Our bodies and brains are the same. If we do not get the necessary nutritional intake, that helps us function at our best, we are going to slowly see a decrease in performance. Our brains need to the correct nutrients, hydration and appropriate stimulation to allow it to function optimally. “Underperforming” brains will demonstrate the long-term impact if not addressed early.

For example, a child who eats unhealthy foods, drinks lots of sugary drinks, watches lots of TV and plays far too much iPad can be equated to a car that is fueled on cheap alternative fuels which cause deposit build ups, malfunctions and requires a great deal of maintenance. The iPad and TV can be equated to driving recklessly and dangerously - too much is going to cause damage to the various parts of the car, the engine, the wheels, the body etc which will then impact the performance and quality of the drive over a long period of time. However, fueling the car with the correct fuel, teaching a person how to drive well and what the car can actually do and how to use it to benefit them the most will lead to a many comfortable drives. Allowing your children to eat heathy, exercise regularly and teaching them how to “drive” their brains will help develop strong thinkers who are able to manage themselves.

Sleep and Learning

“Research suggests that sleep helps learning and memory in two distinct ways. First, a sleep-deprived person cannot focus attention optimally and therefore cannot learn efficiently. Second, sleep itself has a role in the consolidation of memory, which is essential for learning new information.” Running on empty may feel normal for most of us as we live in a high-intensity society and pressured working environments, but this is not healthy for us.

We need to bear in mind that tiredness is interpreted by our brains as a form of stress and it will respond accordingly. Being tired = being stressed = reduced brian functioning = reduced learning = underperformance. Teenagers need an increased amount of sleep too (approximately 9 hours - unfortunately this is science), so we need to help create the time and space for them to rest and sleep enough to help them to function optimally. This will certainly be very challenging as there is a great deal on the go constantly, but we can help teach them healthy habits that can encourage good time-management, prioritizing and effective working and learning strategies.

Healthy Balance

With the above in mind, it becomes understandable why a balanced life is important. Maintaining balance is not easy, but as long as we constantly are aware an strive towards some essence of balance, then we are non the right track. Again, as a parent we need to demonstrate what living a balanced life looks like. Being mindful of the physical, emotional, social, spiritual, financial, career, relationship and intimate components of our lives, and actively engaging with these aspects will help us live a more balanced life as we teach our children to do the same.

A great resource to assist in this area is the “7 Habits of highly effective people” by Stephen Covey. There are a number of books that all revolve around the same 7 habits, but are written towards different audiences, whether kids, teens, families and so on.

Strategies to Help

You want the best for your child, you want them to achieve their best and be happy with their efforts and achievements. Here are some strategies that could assist you in assisting your child:

1. Purpose - keep in mind what the purpose of examinations and assessments is. The purpose is to determine how much, or how well a person understands and is able to apply their learning. The resulting marks are ONLY an indication of this and should NOT be the focus of the studying and preparation process.

2. Theory & Application - Examinations and assessments are a time to assess a child's understanding of the various concepts and theories learned in class as well as the application of these concepts and theories. In the Prep school there is generally a greater focus on the theory and concept learning, and less focus on the application. This will begin to change as your child progresses through the grades. If your child has been able to get through Prep school with little effort, they probably have good memory and understanding go the concepts and theories. Entering High school we start to see a much greater emphasis on the application of the work, which can be quite a shock to both the children and the parents. Application is also not possible without a good understanding of the theory, and so it is important to begin with a good comprehension of the concepts in each subject, and then the application of the these concepts.

3. Questions - Making use of some simple questions can assist in determine whether your child understands the various concepts before trying to apply them. What, Why, When, Who, How and Where are so simple, but can provide great insight into how well we understand something. For example: “what are exponents?” If your child is unable to confidently answer this question, how can they be expected to apply the rules and theory in practice?

4. SMART Goals - Encourage your child to set SMART goals for each subject, for these exams, for each test, for each term etc. Setting goals helps provide the direction needed to reach an expected outcome.

Keep in Mind

In summary, here are some important points to remember:

• Each child will learn differently - that’s ok.

• Encourage your child to find what works for them

• Set boundaries

• Set incentives

• Give them space to figure things out for themselves

• Failure is not always a bad thing - implement the consequences that have been previously agreed upon and the failure turns into a great learning experience (Cause and Effect)