Being a Role Model as a Dad

What is a Role Model?

Let’s begin with a basic understanding of what a role model is. According to some dictionary definitions, a role model is “a person looked to by others as an example to be imitated”. We certainly see this all the time, with children and adults imitating various significant individuals like celebrities, politicians and family members. Unfortunately we may see a lot of poor behaviour being imitated. We don’t often see a lot of the good, positive behaviour being imitated these days, which is possibly a sign of the times. The world we live in has developed a far greater focus outwards and on image rather than on self development and the solid values that were esteemed more by past generations. The materialistic and superficial world we live in plays a role - but is not solely to blame.

What Role do you Model?

Those of you who have heard me speak, or have had a meeting with me before, will know that I push personal responsibility, in all contexts. We all need to take ownership of the things that are within our control as an individual. When we break it all down, there is not a great deal that is truly in our own control, but there are some very critical elements of our life that are.

• We choose our own behaviour - that is our choice.

• We choose how to respond to situations and people.

Considering this, how we are as a person, how we live our life, is significantly within our control. So take a moment to reflect on the person that we feel we are? How do you feel about how you live your life, engage with people and handle situations?

Me, Us and Them

Through my career as a psychologist, I have worked with many individuals and families across many contexts, within the school context as well as privately. Through these experiences, I have been able to conceptualise two theories that I make use of on a daily basis when I engage with clients.

Firstly, and probably most importantly is a concept that I apply to all situations and cases. This is my theory that all dynamics and relationships (irrespective of context) can be broken down into three components; ME, US and THEM. For now, we will focus on the family context.

• THEM - refers to the broader family context which includes your children - this is the last “stage / level”. Generally speaking, if things are going smoothly in the other domains, this area will functions relatively well with little need for intervention.

• US - refers to the “parental unit”, the family managers, the core of the family. The relationship between you and your partner, wife, ex-wife etc. This needs to be ideally in a state of balance, equilibrium and stable. If this is not, it will impact the THEM. This includes parenting styles, values, interests etc.

• ME - The “parental care” is comprised of individuals, and so we get to the first and fundamentally most critical component, you. You have a past, a history and baggage. Strengths and weaknesses, insecurities, we all do, we are only human. This being said, we need to acknowledge this and grow and develop who we are at our very core.

Why is this so fundamental to being a dad? Well, being a dad means being a role model 24/7, meaning that you as a person are being watched, imitated and criticised on your behaviour by your children every day. To be a solid role model, you need to be a solid individual. This leads me to my second theory…

One Way Glass Parenting

Being a parent is like living on shiny side of a one way mirror. Being a parent means that what we do is constantly being watch, analysed, monitored and remembered by our children. Being a parent is a whole lot less about the actual interactions with your children (although still critical), but it is so much more about how we are as an individual (ME) and very importantly as a couple/unit (US).

As we consider this, let’s shift our focus completely off your children for now and onto a few fundamental details.

• Couple Dynamics

Where last did you have a date night with your partner, that was all about the two of you, and did not involve conversation that focused on your children? How much affection do you demonstrate to your partner, and do your children see this? How do you and your partner function as a unit, and engage with each other both when the children are around and when they are not. Generally, how close are the two of you. Obviously each family is different and there are many separated, divorced and blended families, but the general principles still apply, even if this is in relation to you and your ex since you both are still the parents of your child/children.

• Couple Communication

How do you talk to your partner, and what do you talk about? Considering how you function and interact as a couple is very important as this sets the tone for the foundation of relationships that your children will develop and either seek or avoid later on in life. Do you prioritise your time with your partner, and do you demonstrate a sense of value and appreciation for them? Remember your kids are watching everything you do, and they are going to imitate you because you are their role model.

• Me as a person

Finally, we need to consider how we are as ourselves. How do we live our life when we feel no one is watching. How do you children see you just being yourself, and is this different to how you are with them or their mother? As you consider this point, consider how you do just be yourself, and whether you actually know or do this. The behaviours that your children see you living naturally are some of the behaviours that they are going to internalise and most likely adopt as their own. Remember, monkey see, monkey do.

See the short advert by napkin.org.au demonstrating the impact of the behaviour we model for our children.

Children are far more perceptive than we give them credit for, don’t underestimate what they see.

A starting point

Focus and invest time on the critical areas discussed above, yourself and your relationship. Learn to become more genuine with yourself and in your behaviour, and your children will begin to absorb what they see. This may take time, and yes a lot of effort, but you have to DO in order for your children to learn, you cannot just tell them how to be.

What is beneficial about this approach is that it has three potentially significant impacts:

1. We improve ourselves and strive towards being a better version of who we are

2. We improve our relationship

3. We improve our understanding of ourselves in relation to our children and so we enhance our relationships, interactions and impact where it really matters, with our children.

Time invested in yourself and your relationship is not wasted or selfish time, but rather a significant investment that will yield a return greater than what you were expecting.

#father #dad #DADitude #rolemodel #strong #parent

Healthy Habits for Happy Families

Habits and the Family

A habit is a routine of behaviour that is repeated regularly and tends to occur subconsciously.

As individuals we create, develop and reinforce habits throughout our lives, and the same happens within the family space.

Simple things such as who cooks dinner, cleans the pool, tidies the dogs mess, or makes the coffee in the morning may begin as new behaviours, but over time and with reinforcement, they become the habits that can continue for years, and often lead to expectations being established.

Family conflict, frustrations and tension often result from unmet expectations (this applies to most relationships). We are creatures of habit, and we generally tend to look for routines, patterns and roles that are predictable and comfortable for us. This allows us to feel safe and secure in our comfort zones. But over time, things around us change and the effects can be seen throughout our lives, as our comfort zones and routines are forced to change.

Change is normal and natural, and we should expect it, but the funny thing is, so many of us are surprised when change comes along. A baby becoming a toddler or a teenager for example can come as quite a surprise to some. We need to remember that change brings change. It can have a snowball effect, and it can disrupt the equilibrium that we have been able to create. Having a child for example creates significant change in all aspects of our lives.

Sometimes we can hang on to our ideas of how we want things to be, or how we imagine things should be, which can cause havoc in our relationships as these expectations may be assumed and not understood or communicated clearly. When change comes along, chaos ensues. If we are not able to adjust our expectations and roll with the punches life throws, we are going to be faced with some very challenging situations. We logically know that life is complicated, and reality is not straightforward, yet often we forget this. Reality is messy, chaotic and unpredictable, it requires constant adjustment and adaptation.

This is one of the most important lessons we need to teach our children. We need to teach them that we can either engage with life and get frustrated when things don't go our way, or we can teach them that life happens, and we need to anticipate, roll with the punches and embrace the opportunities presented to us. Leading by example and teaching your children some essential habits that will help guide them through life should remain a primary goal of being a parent.

Highly Effective Families

The original 7 Habits book written by Stephen Covey has been edited and adapted for numerous audiences including children, teens, and marriage in addition to families as a whole. The 7 habits contained in each book remains consistent with only the explanation and understanding adapted to suit the different readers. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families is not written to be a quick fix or to offer tricks to be an effective family, but rather offers insight into the patterns of thinking and doing things that all successful families have in common.

The Family Flight Plan

Just like aeroplanes, families are not on course 100% of the time, which is normal, however it has become even more difficult to keep a family on course due to many societal changes we all experience. Considering this we need to do what we can to remain on course as a family and the following are essential for the “journey” ahead:

“Flight Plan” - clear understanding of family values, parental dynamic and general direction one would like their family to move in. “Destination” - Clear vision of where or what a family is moving towards. “Compass” - To assist in staying on course. This could be support structures in and around the family that are able to provide the insight and direction when needed.

Personal Bank Accounts

The starting point according to Covey is with ourselves. The way we feel and treat ourselves as well as those around us will greatly determine the course of our journey. Covey refers to the Personal Bank Account (PBA) which functions similarly to a regular bank account in that we should aim to make more deposits than withdrawals so that we can be in a healthy, positive space. We make “deposits” through positive thoughts and behaviours such as achieving goals or even complementing others. Withdrawals on the other hand are the negative thoughts and behaviours we have such as blaming someone for a problem or being negatively critical of others. We should assess the state of our PBA and strive towards building up a healthy, positive balance.

Habit 1: Be proactive

“Between the stimulus and the response there is the freedom to choose. Being proactive requires one to take action before having to react to a situation. This habit requires accepting rather than rejecting, understanding instead of judging and participation as opposed to manipulation. Being proactive requires one to be an active participant in life and not a passive, reactive bystander.

Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind

“Through a family mission statement, you can let your children know that you are totally committed to them, that you have been from the very moment of their birth or adoption.” Be clear on where you are going as an individual and as a family. It is crucial to have a clear view of the destination so that you are able to make the necessary changes and adjustments now to help you get there.

Habit 3: Put first things first

“Who’s going to raise my children—today’s alarmingly destructive culture or me?” It is important to focus on what is important, and to do what needs to be done first. Our families and children should always remain at the centre of all we do as we are the ones who shape, equip and ultimately determine their futures. We often get caught up in work and life and can lose sight of the most important things in our lives that we take for granted.

Habit 4:Think win-win

“Parenting is not about being popular and giving in to every child’s whim and desire. It’s about making decisions that truly are win-win—however they may appear to the child at the time.” This applies directly to discipline at home, where discipline is crucial in teaching and training your children to handle the real world. For it to be win-win it needs to be non-emotional and handled in a very direct, matter of

fact way, consistently carrying out consequences agreed on beforehand.

Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood

“Much of the pain in families is caused by lack of understanding.” Take the time to step out of your own busy life to learn and understand what is happening in your children’s lives. Let them see you genuinely trying to understand them and they will appreciate your effort and be more cooperative.

​Habit 6: Synergise

“Synergy is...the magic that happens when one plus one equals three—or more.” Working together towards a collective goal is at the core of this habit. Combine all your strengths in a family so that you can achieve so much more. This is a collaborative process and can require you as the parent to step back and give your children a chance to lead.

Habit 7: Sharpen the saw

We often work so hard and are so focused on achieving deadlines and goals that we forget to take care of ourselves. “...the family itself must constantly nurture its collective conscience, social will, social awareness, and common vision. Family traditions include rituals and celebrations and meaningful events that you do in your family.”

Take the time to reenergise and reconnect as a family and tasks and challenges ahead become less daunting. Taking the time to make the adjustments and to take control of your family’s ‘journey’ will go a long way in helping to shape your children into the adults you want them to be, and then be the parents you want them to remember. These changes take time, effort and persistence to be effective, and it is definitely not guaranteed that this will be a smooth journey.

#Family #Healthy #Habits #Change #Expectations #Communication #awareness

Explaining family dynamics to your children [Radio Interview]

Lloyd Ripley Evans, educational psychologist discussed with Gushwell Brooks on ways of explaining the different family dynamics to a child and how parents can be more aware of their biases and what they say about other families around they children for them to be less judgemental.

Click the button below to play the podcast.

#family #dynamics #talk #engage #different #children #parent #radio #interview #Radio702