Parental Blur

Parenting is not for the faint-hearted. There is always something to consider, something to do, or a new challenge looming. At the heart of it all is a desire to give our children the best we can. Unfortunately, there are times when we may not give our children our best, when we may teach them the wrong lessons. Sometimes we are aware of this taking place, at other times this happens without us even realising it.

Often, when our children are engaging with others we can often see them and their needs quite clearly, but when their interactions are more direct with us as parents and a little more ‘in your face' we start to experience what I like to call “parental blur”. This occurs when we no longer see our children and their needs clearly. Maintaining parental perspective is not easy, but remains an important part of our role as parents.

The Blur

Consider for a moment, when we hold our phone at arms length, we can often see it clearly. We can see it’s detail and take in the whole of it. However, when we bring the phone right up close to our noses, we lose focus. We are no longer able to see it clearly, and it may not even be perceivable as a phone anymore. The same logic can be applied to parenting.

When our children are a little distance from us, we can often perceive them clearly. We can see them for who they are and all that they can be. We can have a good sense of their needs and how we can best support them in order to help them achieve their goals and we can generally appreciate them fully.

But, often when our children come closer to us (physically, mentally or emotionally) we can begin to lose perspective. The closer they get, the less clearly we can see them until we completely lose sight of them. When this occurs our focus shifts to ourselves and our needs. If you can imagine the idea of the phone right up in your face, you may feel a sense of frustration or irritation. The same can occur with our children, and often without us even realising it. When this does occur, we begin to lose the clarity that we previously had. We begin to lose sight of their uniqueness and their strengths and weaknesses. We begin to see them less and less as the previously well-defined child, and we see them more as a blur.

But, this is not always a bad thing. It is important that things are about us from time to time. We are only human after all. Right now, we are talking about our own little personal bubble, and it is important that we protect this and keep it intact, however, we need to be cognisant of our children and how we may engage or disengage when we are focused on our own ‘stuff’. First and foremost is the ability to actually recognise when we feel our child, children or anybody else for that matter is in our space. We need to practice and develop the skills to recognise when we can no longer see others clearly. If we can become aware of this, and we can recognise the ‘blur’ that we are experiencing, we can then begin to manage it appropriately.

Unfortunately, more often than not there is a lack of control when this happens and we react. Our behaviour can seem childish or unsupportive. It can seem selfish and it can send mixed messages to our children. When we experience blur, we may experience our personal space being violated and so we often react emotionally. Unfortunately, our children can experience this as inconsistency in their relationships where, on the one hand they have your support and love and encouragement and then, on the other hand, they can experience something so different.

We can understand why and how this can occur, and that it makes sense that it will occur, but what is important is that we are able to recognise it when it begins to happen so that the positive, necessary steps can to taken to ensure that perspective can be maintained.

Interference Blur

The parental blur that has been discussed above refers specifically to the situations where we lose our own personal focus on our children. Let us now consider a different type of parental blur that can occur, one that involves people or things outside of our immediate self.

Take a moment to consider looking at your child, comfortably and well focused. Now consider what happens to our view of our child if a hand or another object is placed in our line of sight. Our view is obstructed and we now begin to experience a similar situation to that of the previous parental blur. In this situation, however, the interference in our view is caused outside of ourselves.

This could be another person, or other factors such as politics, finances, family dynamics, relationships, work, conflicts and so on. In these situations, the blur (or interference) that is experienced leads us to often lose sight of that which we intend to keep in our focus: our children.

Now, again we are all human and so this interference blur is inevitable, but it is important to be aware of it. To be conscious of the fact that we may not be able to see our children clearly. That there may be something else in the way. If the interference is from outside of ourselves, we need to again understand it by asking the questions of where and why this is here and what can I do to help manage it? Do I need to move to regain my perspective or will it follow me, and so on.

Adjust focus

Maintaining perspective (or at least attempting to) is so important as a human being, not only as a parent.

We need to have perspective on what’s coming, what lies ahead. We need to help anticipate things for our children to better equip them for what they may face. We need to guide them and support them and encourage them, but we cannot do this if we cannot see them clearly.

We need to take time regularly to reflect on the clarity of our vision, and when we become aware of any blur developing or being present. We need to actively engage with it and take action to adjust our focus.

Take a moment and consider how clear your perspective is on your child or children? Are you feeling like you are operating a little blindly; like you have a sense of what you need to do, when and how, but it’s difficult because you don’t have the clarity you need? If so, take stock and reassess the situation. Try to determine where the source of your blur lies so that you can begin to make the necessary changes.

Parenting offers the clearest mirror of who we are and what we need,

we just need the courage to accept it.

#awareness #parent #children #parenting #dynamics

Being a Role Model as a Dad

What is a Role Model?

Let’s begin with a basic understanding of what a role model is. According to some dictionary definitions, a role model is “a person looked to by others as an example to be imitated”. We certainly see this all the time, with children and adults imitating various significant individuals like celebrities, politicians and family members. Unfortunately we may see a lot of poor behaviour being imitated. We don’t often see a lot of the good, positive behaviour being imitated these days, which is possibly a sign of the times. The world we live in has developed a far greater focus outwards and on image rather than on self development and the solid values that were esteemed more by past generations. The materialistic and superficial world we live in plays a role - but is not solely to blame.

What Role do you Model?

Those of you who have heard me speak, or have had a meeting with me before, will know that I push personal responsibility, in all contexts. We all need to take ownership of the things that are within our control as an individual. When we break it all down, there is not a great deal that is truly in our own control, but there are some very critical elements of our life that are.

• We choose our own behaviour - that is our choice.

• We choose how to respond to situations and people.

Considering this, how we are as a person, how we live our life, is significantly within our control. So take a moment to reflect on the person that we feel we are? How do you feel about how you live your life, engage with people and handle situations?

Me, Us and Them

Through my career as a psychologist, I have worked with many individuals and families across many contexts, within the school context as well as privately. Through these experiences, I have been able to conceptualise two theories that I make use of on a daily basis when I engage with clients.

Firstly, and probably most importantly is a concept that I apply to all situations and cases. This is my theory that all dynamics and relationships (irrespective of context) can be broken down into three components; ME, US and THEM. For now, we will focus on the family context.

• THEM - refers to the broader family context which includes your children - this is the last “stage / level”. Generally speaking, if things are going smoothly in the other domains, this area will functions relatively well with little need for intervention.

• US - refers to the “parental unit”, the family managers, the core of the family. The relationship between you and your partner, wife, ex-wife etc. This needs to be ideally in a state of balance, equilibrium and stable. If this is not, it will impact the THEM. This includes parenting styles, values, interests etc.

• ME - The “parental care” is comprised of individuals, and so we get to the first and fundamentally most critical component, you. You have a past, a history and baggage. Strengths and weaknesses, insecurities, we all do, we are only human. This being said, we need to acknowledge this and grow and develop who we are at our very core.

Why is this so fundamental to being a dad? Well, being a dad means being a role model 24/7, meaning that you as a person are being watched, imitated and criticised on your behaviour by your children every day. To be a solid role model, you need to be a solid individual. This leads me to my second theory…

One Way Glass Parenting

Being a parent is like living on shiny side of a one way mirror. Being a parent means that what we do is constantly being watch, analysed, monitored and remembered by our children. Being a parent is a whole lot less about the actual interactions with your children (although still critical), but it is so much more about how we are as an individual (ME) and very importantly as a couple/unit (US).

As we consider this, let’s shift our focus completely off your children for now and onto a few fundamental details.

• Couple Dynamics

Where last did you have a date night with your partner, that was all about the two of you, and did not involve conversation that focused on your children? How much affection do you demonstrate to your partner, and do your children see this? How do you and your partner function as a unit, and engage with each other both when the children are around and when they are not. Generally, how close are the two of you. Obviously each family is different and there are many separated, divorced and blended families, but the general principles still apply, even if this is in relation to you and your ex since you both are still the parents of your child/children.

• Couple Communication

How do you talk to your partner, and what do you talk about? Considering how you function and interact as a couple is very important as this sets the tone for the foundation of relationships that your children will develop and either seek or avoid later on in life. Do you prioritise your time with your partner, and do you demonstrate a sense of value and appreciation for them? Remember your kids are watching everything you do, and they are going to imitate you because you are their role model.

• Me as a person

Finally, we need to consider how we are as ourselves. How do we live our life when we feel no one is watching. How do you children see you just being yourself, and is this different to how you are with them or their mother? As you consider this point, consider how you do just be yourself, and whether you actually know or do this. The behaviours that your children see you living naturally are some of the behaviours that they are going to internalise and most likely adopt as their own. Remember, monkey see, monkey do.

See the short advert by napkin.org.au demonstrating the impact of the behaviour we model for our children.

Children are far more perceptive than we give them credit for, don’t underestimate what they see.

A starting point

Focus and invest time on the critical areas discussed above, yourself and your relationship. Learn to become more genuine with yourself and in your behaviour, and your children will begin to absorb what they see. This may take time, and yes a lot of effort, but you have to DO in order for your children to learn, you cannot just tell them how to be.

What is beneficial about this approach is that it has three potentially significant impacts:

1. We improve ourselves and strive towards being a better version of who we are

2. We improve our relationship

3. We improve our understanding of ourselves in relation to our children and so we enhance our relationships, interactions and impact where it really matters, with our children.

Time invested in yourself and your relationship is not wasted or selfish time, but rather a significant investment that will yield a return greater than what you were expecting.

#father #dad #DADitude #rolemodel #strong #parent

Explaining family dynamics to your children [Radio Interview]

Lloyd Ripley Evans, educational psychologist discussed with Gushwell Brooks on ways of explaining the different family dynamics to a child and how parents can be more aware of their biases and what they say about other families around they children for them to be less judgemental.

Click the button below to play the podcast.

#family #dynamics #talk #engage #different #children #parent #radio #interview #Radio702