Cyberparenting

The internet is a playground for all sorts of undesirable characters, activities and content. For this ​reason we should be very careful what we allow our children to access during their time online. Unfortunately, many of our children are far more tech-savvy than we as adults are, which can make monitoring their online behaviour even more difficult. For this reason, cyber parenting is so important and should be taken seriously. It is imperative that you create the rules as well as explain the need for these rules, removing all ambiguity. Importantly, these cyber rules need to apply to all individuals in the house, including you as the parents.

Why Cyber Parenting? ​

​The reality is that your children have been born into technology. It has not been introduced to them, for them it has always been there. Therefore, their view of the world may be very different to yours. This is ok, and if we understand and accept it, it can become easier to manage. Fighting technology is not an option these days.

Almost weekly we hear new stories about someone who has posted something online and is now facing the consequences for their cyber-actions. Helen Zille is the most recent headline that has been going around following her “colonial tweet”. The reality is that some very serious laws apply to the online word that we frequent. The potential harm and legal ramifications of our online behaviour can be quite frightening, and enough to get us to avoid Facebook for a few days. The more we learn about the seriousness of social media law and the implications of our online behavior, the clearer it becomes that we need to learn more about what our children are doing online, to take a much more active role in monitoring their online behaviour.

Where do we start?

The starting point is educating ourselves on what our children are exposed to, what the age limits are, and what we can do to help protect them. It is essential to set some time aside so that you can answer your questions and be informed. It is also crucial to determine how technology fits into your family and ties in with your family values, rules and boundaries. Cyber parenting and discipline within the home​ are inseparable as your children’s online behaviour should mirror that of what you expect from them in reality. In this day and age, there is no excuse for not knowing.

Age Limits

Each website and social network with have their own age restrictions, research these and become familiar with these so that you are not in the dark. It is also a good idea to have a look over some of the terms and conditions so that you have a better understanding of what using a certain website or application actually means. Take time to go through new sites, games and apps with your children. Here are some age limits for a few popular websites:

Time Limits

How long should your children, or you, be spending in front of a screen each day is a very difficult question to answer. There is plenty research on the topic, however a lot of it provides contradictory or vague generalisations. At the end of they day, we need to bear two important facts in mind. Firstly, all screens emit a blue light that refreshes numerous times a second (we don't notice this), whether it a cellphone, television or iPad. The younger a person is, the less developed their central nervous system is which interprets these “flashing” impulses. Screen time can impact the neural development in our brains, and so we need try to limit the use where we can. Click here for an article on the matter.

Secondly, we need to bear in mind what screen time means within our families. How do you spend your own time at home, how much time does your family spend in front of a screen, and how much screen time would you prefer for your family. This becomes a personal choice for each individual family and should be related back to your family values, and discipline structures.

Application and content limits

The internet is an amazing resource that is loaded with information and useful content, however we need to be aware of the inappropriate, time-wasting and explicit content that is also online that children are very likely to come across. Being aware of what children are doing online is important when it comes to monitoring and protecting them from harmful content. Rules need to be set and discussed with all family members as to what type of content, when and how it may be accessed. Following this, it will be important to put other measures in place as some children will purposely still seek this content, while others may innocently come across it. Therefore, having firewalls, different user accounts and monitoring software is important.

The way forward

• Take control - do not let your children dictate what, when and how they use technology and the internet. It is up to you and the rules that have been implemented at home.

• Set limits and restrictions, and be very clear on these for all members in the home.

• Be a role model for the behaviour you want to see in your children.

• Be informed - spend time researching and learning how to use websites, programs and devices.

• Set up different user profiles on all computers at home that have different restrictions per user. You can even determine what time or how much time can be spent on the computer.

• Mobile devices need to be controlled too, set rules and make use of the restrictions settings where possible, or even make us of a third party application to help control these devices.

• There needs to be understanding that as a parent you will monitor and check your children’s device and internet usage, as you have responsibility to protect them, it is not that you do not trust them, and there should be no negotiation on this point.

• Keep your computer and online connection password protected and use passwords that ingenious children cannot figure out. Change your password on a regular basis. It is better to be safe than sorry.

• Make sure that you teach your children about online safety. When they are small we teach them about not talking to strangers, yet we forget to do this when they start using the internet. Make sure that you teach your children not to give out their full names, where they live or their phone numbers. Emma Sadleir’s book “Don’t film yourself having sex” is a very good resource when dealing with online safety. Familiarise yourself with the content of her book and make sure that you and your children understand the laws of the cyber world.

• Be sure to install filtering software to prevent your children from being exposed to topics that would make you cringe, but remember that software is only a tool, NOT a replacement for your involvement. Some examples of good filtering software are:

• SentryPC

• CyberSitter

• Cyber Patrol

• Net Nanny

• Qustodio

Lastly, online monitoring is a sign of a caring parent who is involved in their children’s activities and the information that they are in contact with. Yes, learning about the internet is frustrating and time consuming, but it is imperative in today’s society. ​

A computer, cellphone or tablet with an online connection is not a baby sitter and we need to take an active role in teaching and protecting our children. Learn, get involved and be a part of your children’s online experiences. Look at it as an activity you can share together!

Discipline

What is discipline?

Discipline can be defined as the “practice of training your children to obey family, school and societal rules and to behave appropriately using consistent consequence to demonstrate cause and effect”. Basically that the point of discipline is to equip your children with the necessary skills to handle real world problems, and essentially discipline is about training your children to be adults.

What influences discipline?

Discipline is influenced by a number of factors and it is important to be aware of these. Firstly we have numerous personal, or internal factors that will influence our approach to discipline, these include; our own upbringing, values, morals and beliefs, insecurities and personal issues to name a few. Some possible external or societal factors could include; our partner, work, stress, media, popular psychology and even celebrities. It is crucial to be aware of what factors are playing a role for you and your partner so that these factors can be addressed so as to not negatively impact your discipline within your home.

Good vs Bad discipline?​

One of the most crucial components of effective discipline is the underlying purpose of the discipline. Is the discipline designed to control your child so that they behave the way that you want them to, or is the discipline a means of training your children, equipping them with the skills to handle real life?

​​The "Discipline Audit"

A great starting point to revamp the discipline at home is to analyse the current discipline at home, taking into account who is in control, the parental relationship, what’s working and what’s not working, your children’s ages, family values and beliefs, how do you want your children to behave and your children’s personalities and your own. Having a good understanding of what you are basing your discipline on and the motivation for it will give you a good idea of what needs to be done.​​

Power play!

Be aware of the power play that exists within the home. Who is in control? Who dictates what happens, when and how? Taking back the control as the parent in the home will be the key to having a successful discipline plan. The power battles within the home can often be influenced by personalities and and the dynamics between the various individuals at home.

The way forward

As you prepare your foundations of discipline, it is always important to keep in mind what your motivation behind the discipline structures are. Why these boundaries, rules and expectations are important will help you remain focused on achieving your end goal. Here are some points to keep in mind:

1. Who the rules are actually benefiting

2. Yourchildren’sages

3. Be aware of personality and temperament differences

4. Emotions interfere in the process ­ focus on regulating your own emotion to

remain in control

1. Stick to the basics ­ keep it simple, and avoid ambiguous rule or expectations

2. Ensure there is clarity for everyone

3. Appropriate consequences are absolutely essential ­ keep these clear and

consistent

1. Write it down - ­keep this all in black and white and have it stuck up some where in the house for easy reference

Implementation

When you are ready to implement the new revised discipline structures at home, it is important that you ensure the following forms part of your roll out:

1. A family discussion should be the starting point of of discussing the changes, motivation and a chance to engage in a conversation about it all.

2. Ensure that there is an understanding that there are some blanket rules / expectations that apply to the whole family (even mom and dad).

3. Allow some negation for older children (preferably adolescents) ­Let them feel a part of the process by allowing them to negotiate down on one or two points only.

4. Discuss that different ages mean that some variations in the rules and expectations apply, but underneath it all you are all following the same set of value.

5. Be very clear on the consequences ­ who, what, how and when ­ so there is no question about it, and there is an understanding from all.​​

Remember

A the end of the day there is an important reason as to why you are making these changes. You are preparing your child for life and as such, and so keep the following in mind:

● Why am I disciplining my child? ● Don't react emotionally ­ self regulate and follow the plan ● Be a model of the behaviour you want to see in your children

Having a clear plan and understanding of how you will implement and reinforce the discipline for all your children across their various environments will help you through the challenges of parenthood. Discipline should always be a team effort that includes all members of the family. At the end of the day, it is your children who are the focus and should remain the motivation for pushing through the difficult times.

#Family #Discipline #Children #rules

Supporting a struggling child

Throughout a child’s time at school, there will be times when they seem to be coping in class, on the sports field or shining in cultural pursuits. They may have many friends and appear to be well adjusted socially. These are the times when our children and us was parents are content. However, this is not always the case, and often we are left worrying and trying to help our children as they navigate the turbulent waters of childhood and adolescence. How do we help them, and how can we support them through their challenges can become an all consuming dilemma that can leave both parent and child frustrated and overwhelmed. You are not alone, and this process doesn't have to be like this.

Start at the beginning

It is important to have a good understanding of what struggling means as this forms the basis of our concerns. Here are two definitions for the term struggle - “have difficulty handling or coping with something” or “Strive to achieve or attain something in the face of difficulty or resistance”. It is quite clear from these two definitions that the term struggle can be interpreted as a negative or as a positive challenge for an individual. The framing of a situation in which a person is seen to be struggling relies heaving on the perspective from which a person interprets the challenges faced. The cartoon to the right highlights this perfectly, as a potentially negative situation (tethered to lead) is framed in a positive light, while framing the naturally more positive situation (freedom) in a negative light. How we view a problem or challenges is going to significantly influence how to approach them, for both parents and children.

Apples with Oranges

Identifying that a child is struggling is very often a result of comparing them with other children or even ourselves. Is a child struggling because they are not able to complete a task or activity like the rest of the class does? Does it mean that they are struggling because they do not answer questions the way that we do, or think about problems the same way as their brother or sister? No. All of us are unique, and will have our very own personality, thinking patterns, interests, motivations etc. As such, we are all different and we cannot expect our children to all be fitting into the various “boxes” that we expect them to. Our very own expectations of our children, our understanding of their abilities, strengths and weakness, as well as the goals that we have identified for them will be significant contributing factors in determining whether a child is “struggling” or not.

It’s not me, it’s you

We need to ask the very important question of: “is my child struggling, or am I struggling with my child’s challenges?” Being able to honestly answer this question will shed a lot of light on what the actual problem is. Do you have certain expectations of your children that are not being met, therefore they must be struggling? For example, if a child is very capable of achieving A’s but seems to be under performing, does this mean they are “struggling”, or are they possibly just not as interested in achieving A’s as you are? Your children are likely to have very different outlooks on life than you do and additionally their motivations are also going to be very different to yours. We need to constantly be questioning ourselves to be clear on who really is struggling.

Square Pegs in Round Holes

Having an idea of what we expect of a child is normal, parents will do it as well as teachers. A general preconceived idea of what you expect of a child will be running in the back of your mind. These preconceived ideas will be informed by your own upbringing, childhood, schooling and experiences and this will inform your expectations. Taking a moment to reflect on this will go a long way in supporting your child as if we are constantly trying to fit a square peg (a unique child) into a round hole (preconceived expectations), we are going to be met with resistance and hard work, and we need to be cautious to we don't apply a “hammer and chisel” approach to force our children to fit into these expectations as the damage on both parent and child can be significant.

Challenge is a part of Life

Challenge is normal and natural. It serves a purpose in motivating and driving us to be better and to achieve great things. Challenges allow us to test out what we have learned and to practice and refine our skills. Challenges will define us as individuals and as such we all have to be challenged, including your children. If we do not allow our children to engage with their own personal challenges, we are taking the responsibility away from them. We are “filling the cracks” for them so that they can have a smooth journey. But this is unrealistic. Life is messy and hard and the reality is that you will not always be there to fill the cracks for your child. They need to learn to overcome these challenges themselves, from a very young age, and take responsibility. If they don't learn then, when do we expect them to develop the skills to cope with real world problems? The same environment which hardens eggs softens potatoes, and so we need to allow a child to figure out what they are “made of” so that they can learn how to handle situations in manner that be suits them and they characteristics. Your role as a parent is not to create a clone of yourself, but to encourage and train your child to take responsibility for their actions, choices and behaviour.

Counter-Productive Support

It is a strange concept that support can be counter-productive, but the reality is that this can occur. Or own motivation to intervene and support our children is most often justified because we want the best for them, or we don't want them to suffer or struggle. Although the motivation to support is just, the act of support is often counterproductive to your motivation. Intervening too early, or inappropriately means that a child will not truly experience a challenge before them. If they don't experience first hand, they will not develop they skills and understanding to handle similar situation in the future and as such they will continually “struggle” and not cope, meaning they will constantly require you, or someone else to intervene on their behalf.

Supporting your Child

Four key components play an important role in the support that you can and should offer to your child.

1. Identifying a struggling child

Identifying whether your child is going through a difficult time can often become evident through changes in their personality or behaviour. Be aware of any concerns raised by friends or teachers about things they have noticed in your child. This may also be supported by ‘acting out’ behaviour or on the other side, withdrawing from their regular activities or engagements. Do they appear overwhelmed, stressed, overly sad or anxious. If you become aware of any changes and mentioned above, it is important that you then assess what possible factors may have lead to this change. For example, you will more than likely notice your child is quieter and more stressed during examination time. This is normal, and does not mean that they are struggling. If however you notice a more drastic or consistent change that seems to persist even after the perceived reason, then it may be a more significant problem.

1. Understand

Once you feel that your child is experiencing a particular challenge, it is crucial that you have a good understanding of why this is a problem. Being aware of how long it has been a problem will also provide insight into the severity of the challenge. In understanding the challenge, it must be clear whether it is a problem for your child or for you as his parent. Furthermore it is important to reflect on what may have contributed to this problem, what has been done about it, as well as what role you may have played in creating or prolonging the problem.

1. Accept

​Once you fully understand a problem it becomes possible for us to accept certain aspects or contributing factors. We need to accept the fact that things will be challenging for your child at some point which you cannot always protect them from. You need to accept that your child is unique and has his own strengths and weakness, independent of you. At some point you child will fail, this is normal and a natural part of our development. You need to accept that you cannot always protect your child and as a result your child needs to learn to face and deal with the challenges in front of them.

1. Take Action

As you reflect and understand the challenge that your child faces it should be come clearer whether your intervention in the situation is necessary and appropriate. You need to seriously consider whether your intervention will be removing the responsibility from your child and as such removing the possibility for them to embrace the situation as a learning experience. The actions that you take at this point should be motivated to teach your child how to take ownership and personal responsibility for their actions. Allowing your child to face the challenge independently, but offering guidance and support from the sidelines can be some of the best support you can offer your child.

Teaching GRIT

By allowing your child to face a challenge on their own, you are creating an opportunity for them to learn from their experience, their failures and their success. These experiences will allow your child to develop resilience, which is the ability to ‘spring back’ in difficult hard times. Resilience is closely related to the concept of Grit which is the combination of passion and perseverance. By allowing your child to face their own challenges, they learn to rely on their own motivation (passion) to persevere and achieve their goals.

As children practice and develop their “grittiness”, they take control of their lives and assume ownership of what happen to them. Here is a great TED discussion about GRIT.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H14bBuluwB8

Take a Step Back

As much as helping your child to succeed is part of the job description of being a parent, we need to constantly be reflecting on what our motivation is for getting involved and intervening in our child’s life. Are we getting involved because we need to feel valued and needed by our child (for our own self worth), or are we intervening in order to help teach our children how to handle problem, life and people. At the end of the day you cannot and will not be able to control everything that happens in you child’s life (especially as they enter in to the later years of adolescence). You will not be able to always protect them and make sure that they are always happy and have everything that they want, this is unrealistic. Keeping this in mind in our daily interactions with our children should encourage you to take a step back and allow them to cope on their own. If they cannot, you intervene and teach them how to cope, and step back again and again. You need to accept your limits as a parent and understand that your child is going to continue on their own personal journey whether you like it or not, and when this happens all you can do is take a step back and trust that the values, experiences and skills you have given them will be enough to help them through good and bad times.