Discipline

What is discipline?

Discipline can be defined as the “practice of training your children to obey family, school and societal rules and to behave appropriately using consistent consequence to demonstrate cause and effect”. Basically that the point of discipline is to equip your children with the necessary skills to handle real world problems, and essentially discipline is about training your children to be adults.

What influences discipline?

Discipline is influenced by a number of factors and it is important to be aware of these. Firstly we have numerous personal, or internal factors that will influence our approach to discipline, these include; our own upbringing, values, morals and beliefs, insecurities and personal issues to name a few. Some possible external or societal factors could include; our partner, work, stress, media, popular psychology and even celebrities. It is crucial to be aware of what factors are playing a role for you and your partner so that these factors can be addressed so as to not negatively impact your discipline within your home.

Good vs Bad discipline?​

One of the most crucial components of effective discipline is the underlying purpose of the discipline. Is the discipline designed to control your child so that they behave the way that you want them to, or is the discipline a means of training your children, equipping them with the skills to handle real life?

​​The "Discipline Audit"

A great starting point to revamp the discipline at home is to analyse the current discipline at home, taking into account who is in control, the parental relationship, what’s working and what’s not working, your children’s ages, family values and beliefs, how do you want your children to behave and your children’s personalities and your own. Having a good understanding of what you are basing your discipline on and the motivation for it will give you a good idea of what needs to be done.​​

Power play!

Be aware of the power play that exists within the home. Who is in control? Who dictates what happens, when and how? Taking back the control as the parent in the home will be the key to having a successful discipline plan. The power battles within the home can often be influenced by personalities and and the dynamics between the various individuals at home.

The way forward

As you prepare your foundations of discipline, it is always important to keep in mind what your motivation behind the discipline structures are. Why these boundaries, rules and expectations are important will help you remain focused on achieving your end goal. Here are some points to keep in mind:

1. Who the rules are actually benefiting

2. Yourchildren’sages

3. Be aware of personality and temperament differences

4. Emotions interfere in the process ­ focus on regulating your own emotion to

remain in control

1. Stick to the basics ­ keep it simple, and avoid ambiguous rule or expectations

2. Ensure there is clarity for everyone

3. Appropriate consequences are absolutely essential ­ keep these clear and

consistent

1. Write it down - ­keep this all in black and white and have it stuck up some where in the house for easy reference

Implementation

When you are ready to implement the new revised discipline structures at home, it is important that you ensure the following forms part of your roll out:

1. A family discussion should be the starting point of of discussing the changes, motivation and a chance to engage in a conversation about it all.

2. Ensure that there is an understanding that there are some blanket rules / expectations that apply to the whole family (even mom and dad).

3. Allow some negation for older children (preferably adolescents) ­Let them feel a part of the process by allowing them to negotiate down on one or two points only.

4. Discuss that different ages mean that some variations in the rules and expectations apply, but underneath it all you are all following the same set of value.

5. Be very clear on the consequences ­ who, what, how and when ­ so there is no question about it, and there is an understanding from all.​​

Remember

A the end of the day there is an important reason as to why you are making these changes. You are preparing your child for life and as such, and so keep the following in mind:

● Why am I disciplining my child? ● Don't react emotionally ­ self regulate and follow the plan ● Be a model of the behaviour you want to see in your children

Having a clear plan and understanding of how you will implement and reinforce the discipline for all your children across their various environments will help you through the challenges of parenthood. Discipline should always be a team effort that includes all members of the family. At the end of the day, it is your children who are the focus and should remain the motivation for pushing through the difficult times.

#Family #Discipline #Children #rules

Parenting in Cyberspace

​Cyber Parenting

One of the greatest challenges presenting itself to todays parents, with regards to cyber space, is how to control it. Unfortunately there is no clear and easy answer to this, but one thing that is absolutely crucial, and that should be the starting point for each household, is to have a very clear set of rules, limitations and expectations for the whole family.

The internet is a playground for all sorts of undesirable characters, activities and content. For this reason we should be very careful what we allow our children to access during their time online. Unfortunately, many of our children are far more tech-savvy than we as adults are, which can make monitoring their online behaviour even more

difficult. Cyber parenting is so important and should be taken seriously. It is imperative that you create the rules as well as explain the need for these rules, removing all ambiguity. Importantly, these cyber rules need to apply to all individuals in the house, including you as the parents.

​​Why Cyber Parenting?

I recently attended a talk by Emma Sadleir on the topic of Social Media Law, which opened my eyes to the scary reality of the internet and the potential harm and legal ramifications of our online behaviour. Following Emma’s presentation, it was clear that we need to learn more about what our children are doing online, but also take a much more active role in monitoring their online behaviour.

Where do we start?

The starting point is educating ourselves on what our children are exposed to, what the age limits are, and what we can do to help protect them. It is essential to set some time aside so that you can answer your questions and be informed. It is also crucial to determine how technology fits into your family and ties in with your family values, rules and boundaries. Cyber parenting and discipline within the home are inseparable as your children’s online behaviour should mirror that of what you expect from them in reality.

Age Limits

Each website and social network with have their own age restrictions, research these and become familiar with these so that you are not in the dark. It is also a good idea to have a look over some of the terms and conditions so that you have a better understanding of what using a certain website or application actually means. Here are some age limits for a few popular websites:

Facebook – 13 years old

Instagram – 13 years old

YouTube – 13 years old

Myspace – 13 years old

Snapchat – 13 years old

WhatsApp – 16 years old

Twitter – no age limit ​​

(thirdparent.com)

Time Limits

How long should your children, or you, be spending in front of a screen each day is a very difficult question to answer. There is plenty research on the topic, however a lot of it provides contradictory or vague generalisations. At the end of they day, we need to bear two important facts in mind. Firstly, all screens emit a blue light that refreshes numerous times a second (we don't notice this), whether it a cellphone, television or iPad. The younger a person is, the less developed their central nervous system is which interprets these “flashing” impulses. Screen time can impact the neural development in our brains, and so we need try to limit the use where we can. Click here for an article on the matter.

Secondly, we need to bear in mind what screen time means within our families. How do you spend your own time at home, how much time does your family spend in front of a screen, and how much screen time would you prefer for your family. This becomes a personal choice for each individual family and should be related back to your family values, and discipline structures.

​Application and content limits

The internet is an amazing resource that is loaded with information and useful content, however we need to be aware of the inappropriate, time-wasting and explicit content that is also online that children are very likely to come across. Being aware of what children are doing online is important when it comes to monitoring and protecting them from harmful content. Rules need to be set and discussed with all family members as to what type of content, when and how it may be accessed. Following this, it will be important to put other measures in place as some children will purposely still seek this content, while others may innocently come across it. Therefore, having firewalls, different user accounts and monitoring software is important.

The way forward

• Take control - do not let your children dictate what, when and how they use technology and ​​the internet. It is up to you and the rules that have been implemented at home.

• Set limits and restrictions, and be very clear on these for all members in the home.

• Be a role model for the behaviour you want to see in your children.

• Be informed - spend time researching and learning how to use websites, programs and devices.

• Set up different user profiles on all computers at home that have different restrictions per user. You can even determine what time or how much time can be spent on the computer.

• Mobile devices need to be controlled too, set rules and make use of the restrictions settings​​ where possible, or even make us of a third party application to help control these devices.

• There needs to be understanding that as a parent you will monitor and check your children’s device and internet usage, as you have responsibility to protect them, it is not that you do not trust them, and there should be no negotiation on this point.

• Keep your computer and online connection password protected and use passwords that ingenious children cannot figure out. Change your password on a regular basis. It is better to be safe than sorry.

• Make sure that you teach your children about online safety. When they are small we teach them about not talking to strangers, yet we forget to do this when they start using the internet. Make sure that you teach your children not to give out their full names, where they live or their phone numbers. Emma Sadleir’s book “Don’t film yourself having sex” is a very good resource when dealing with online safety. Familiarise yourself with the content of her book and make sure that you and your children understand the laws of the cyber world.

• Be sure to install filtering software to prevent your children from being exposed to topics that would make you cringe, but remember that software is only a tool, NOT a replacement for your involvement. Some examples of good filtering software are:

• SentryPC

• CyberSitter

• Cyber Patrol

• Net Nanny

• Qustodio

​Lastly, online monitoring is a sign of a caring parent who is involved in their children’s activities and the information that they are in contact with. Yes, learning about the internet is frustrating and time consuming, but it is imperative in today’s society.

A computer, cellphone or tablet with an online connection is not a baby sitter and we need to take an active role in teaching and protecting our children. Learn, get involved and be a part of your children’s online experiences. Look at it as an activity you can share together!

#Children #Discipline #Family #technology #cyberspace #parenting