Covid-Relationships

As the fear and panic of being in lockdown has slowly begun to fade away (much like many supplies of alcohol), the reality of what this lockdown may actually mean begins to become a little clearer; the reality that you have been, and will remain confined to a relatively small space, with the same group of people, person, or even yourself for an extended period of time. Some may consider this time as quite daunting and stressful, while others seem to be embracing the opportunity to reconnect and refresh their relationships and lifestyles.

All relationships are likely to be tested during this period, irrespective of how good and solid your relationship is, and so the lockdown may be the factor that makes or breaks (or something in between) your relationships. In anticipation of increasing tensions, a rise in nitpicking, exaggerated sarcasm, heightened frustrations, decreased tolerance, sudden spikes in blood pressure, losses of humour, and the odd moments of “losing one’s shit”, it may be helpful to discuss some general relationship requirements and fundamentals that can help you and your lockdown crew (from solo crews to multigenerational family crews) navigate your ways through this period of constantly being in each other’s space .

All relationships take effort

It doesn’t matter if you have the greatest relationship in the world, all relationships take effort and input from both parties. If not, the relationship will fail (sometimes this can take many years). Relationships are not things that can just be left to grow and mature on their own, rather relationships require constant input, effort and hard work. This can be equated to the hard work and effort that goes into carefully pruning and caring for a Bonsai tree.

Up until this point, we have been able to care for our relationships in relatively comfortable ways. We have been able to find the ways that we can put the necessary effort in in order to maintain them, and possibly grow them. Now, however, things have changed in that our regular daily lives are very different. As such we need to be cognisant of this and make the necessary adjustments in order to adapt to the new daily life. Just because things have changed around us, it does not give us an excuse to stop putting the effort into our relationships. The manner in which we previously did this is going to need to change and it needs to change and adapt sooner rather than later, before the dynamics of stress, worry and fear start to become regular features within your relationship too. In all of the points below you will notice that communication is a critical component, as it has been in every relationship, always.

All relationships require balance

Relationships are able to last because of balance. If relationships are unable to balance out, they will not last. Good relationships rely on open and honest communication and engagement in order to raise concerns and address them. Other relationships that lack effective communication find balance through less effective communication, often in the form of a ‘blow-out’ of sorts. For example, tension in sibling relationships often rise until they reach a tipping point, a fight, argument or ‘blow-out’ takes place, and some time thereafter we will likely see a sense of balance has returned (until the next time). Adult relationships are often not that different. The point is that these situations help the relationship rebalance in order to continue on the path that is was on.

Where balance cannot be regained, the relationship is headed towards its end. During this lockdown period our regular means of regulating the balance of or relationships is likely to be challenged, and so we need to ensure that we are at least aware of this, and that we can strive towards seeking alternative, healthy ways to rebalance when our relationships tip one way or the other. Communicating with those in your various relationships about this can help create the awareness needed to help prevent things tipping over the edge. Talk to one another. You may not have all the answers, but the ongoing communication is a means of helping you seek the answers.

All relationships have space parameters

Every person will have a different view or perspective of space; how much space they need and how they feel about sharing this space. The space I refer to here is both in our physical worlds as well as in our mental and emotional worlds. We each have different needs when it comes to our mental, emotional and physical needs. Some of us love to have alone time (physically), while others love to have people in their space all the time. Some of us ‘need’ our mental breathing space, and others prefer to be able to engage with their emotions comfortably alone.

In our relationships up until this point, most of us have been able to find ways of getting what we need in terms of the space we need, while still being able to meet the needs of our partners, children, families etc. Our lockdown situation is going to create some significant challenges for some as you may find it difficult to ‘manage things’ without having the space to process, think and be as you used to. It will be important that you become aware of what your ‘space’ needs were so that you can try to establish some new means of achieving what you need. Communication of this is once again critical to ensure that all parties are on the same page and to mitigate against certain individuals feeling rejected, or perceiving your needs as selfish.

All relationships have routines

Routines in relationships often help to maintain the balance that holds them steady. This can be the way a couple prepares and tidies up after meals, or how siblings manage play time or screen time. It could be our bedtime routines, or morning coffee routines. Routines provide a sense of comfort to us and are important in relationships as they often double as a means of creating a sense of connection and understanding.

For many of us, our regular routines may have been locked outside of the lockdown. This means that in order to maintain the sense of comfort, balance and connection, we are going to need to find ways of adapting and creating some new routines that can achieve the same as before. Although this can be quite a challenging and uncomfortable process for many of us, it can help if we attempt to view this time as an opportunity to review the way we had operated. Review the way that we had previously connected and engaged, and the routines the we sought out daily. We may surprise ourselves and find new, better ways of being.

All relationships have comfort zones

The balance, space parameters, and routines discussed above often allow us to create our safe, comfort zones within our relationships. These are the spaces or times where we can let our guard down, be vulnerable and put our feet up so to speak. We all need these spaces to catch our breath, and to feel safe from the harsh world outside.

In light of our current lockdown challenge, we need to be cognisant of this for ourselves and for others as we (or they) may still seek to find these comfort zones where they may no longer exist due to being restricted to our homes. Being aware of this, and yes, communicating with the ‘others’ in our lives, we can at least put the issue on the table, as we seek to find new and adaptive zones of comfort in our everyday relationships.

All relationships have breaking points

No relationship is bulletproof in that all relationships will have a breaking point. This will vary for each and every relationship, and it will depend on the individuals who make up the specific relationship. These breaking points are also unique to each individual in the relationship, although often these are shared breaking points, for example for some couples cheating is an immediate breaking point. Some other breaking point factors could be from the more serious aspects such as abuse, or criminal activity of the partner, to the less serious and sometimes seemingly ridiculous factors such as the way the partner chews food, or the colour of their eyes (you may laugh, but this is true).

The reality is that each relationship has the potential to breakdown. Some of us are aware of these factors in our own relationships and are able to guard against them. Others, may have been able to avoid the breaking points due to being able to maintain our balance, distance and routines in what was our normal life. The reality is that being confined in each other’s space daily, with a lack of regular daily routines and a loss of the sense of normal life, our breaking points may rise to the surface, or even take on new forms. It is important to be aware of what may have been present before the lockdown, or what my be featuring as a result of the current situation. Communication (of course) is the means of raising and addressing these concerns before they become the “final straw” to your relationship. For some, this lockdown may help to strengthen the relationships that we have. For others, this time may highlight the fundamental cracks which have been present long before the lockdown, leading to important and difficult decisions needing to be made. Just remember, we still have at least two weeks in lockdown, so be cautious what we try and address, and how we do this, otherwise this could be an extremely long period.

Looking forward

Over the coming week, I will be sharing some insights and understandings of different relationships (parent & child, romantic, professional and the relationship with oneself) that are based on the fundamentals of relationships from what I call the CORE perspective. The CORE perspective is my own systemic approach to dealing with relationships that breaks all relationships down into three critical components, namely; ME; US and THEM. I will share some considerations about the different relationships mentioned above in relation to the CORE, with more detail being available in my upcoming book called The CORE, which will be available as an ebook or as a hardcopy later this year. For more information, or if you would like to arrange a consultation please contact me.

Parental Blur

Parenting is not for the faint-hearted. There is always something to consider, something to do, or a new challenge looming. At the heart of it all is a desire to give our children the best we can. Unfortunately, there are times when we may not give our children our best, when we may teach them the wrong lessons. Sometimes we are aware of this taking place, at other times this happens without us even realising it.

Often, when our children are engaging with others we can often see them and their needs quite clearly, but when their interactions are more direct with us as parents and a little more ‘in your face' we start to experience what I like to call “parental blur”. This occurs when we no longer see our children and their needs clearly. Maintaining parental perspective is not easy, but remains an important part of our role as parents.

The Blur

Consider for a moment, when we hold our phone at arms length, we can often see it clearly. We can see it’s detail and take in the whole of it. However, when we bring the phone right up close to our noses, we lose focus. We are no longer able to see it clearly, and it may not even be perceivable as a phone anymore. The same logic can be applied to parenting.

When our children are a little distance from us, we can often perceive them clearly. We can see them for who they are and all that they can be. We can have a good sense of their needs and how we can best support them in order to help them achieve their goals and we can generally appreciate them fully.

But, often when our children come closer to us (physically, mentally or emotionally) we can begin to lose perspective. The closer they get, the less clearly we can see them until we completely lose sight of them. When this occurs our focus shifts to ourselves and our needs. If you can imagine the idea of the phone right up in your face, you may feel a sense of frustration or irritation. The same can occur with our children, and often without us even realising it. When this does occur, we begin to lose the clarity that we previously had. We begin to lose sight of their uniqueness and their strengths and weaknesses. We begin to see them less and less as the previously well-defined child, and we see them more as a blur.

But, this is not always a bad thing. It is important that things are about us from time to time. We are only human after all. Right now, we are talking about our own little personal bubble, and it is important that we protect this and keep it intact, however, we need to be cognisant of our children and how we may engage or disengage when we are focused on our own ‘stuff’. First and foremost is the ability to actually recognise when we feel our child, children or anybody else for that matter is in our space. We need to practice and develop the skills to recognise when we can no longer see others clearly. If we can become aware of this, and we can recognise the ‘blur’ that we are experiencing, we can then begin to manage it appropriately.

Unfortunately, more often than not there is a lack of control when this happens and we react. Our behaviour can seem childish or unsupportive. It can seem selfish and it can send mixed messages to our children. When we experience blur, we may experience our personal space being violated and so we often react emotionally. Unfortunately, our children can experience this as inconsistency in their relationships where, on the one hand they have your support and love and encouragement and then, on the other hand, they can experience something so different.

We can understand why and how this can occur, and that it makes sense that it will occur, but what is important is that we are able to recognise it when it begins to happen so that the positive, necessary steps can to taken to ensure that perspective can be maintained.

Interference Blur

The parental blur that has been discussed above refers specifically to the situations where we lose our own personal focus on our children. Let us now consider a different type of parental blur that can occur, one that involves people or things outside of our immediate self.

Take a moment to consider looking at your child, comfortably and well focused. Now consider what happens to our view of our child if a hand or another object is placed in our line of sight. Our view is obstructed and we now begin to experience a similar situation to that of the previous parental blur. In this situation, however, the interference in our view is caused outside of ourselves.

This could be another person, or other factors such as politics, finances, family dynamics, relationships, work, conflicts and so on. In these situations, the blur (or interference) that is experienced leads us to often lose sight of that which we intend to keep in our focus: our children.

Now, again we are all human and so this interference blur is inevitable, but it is important to be aware of it. To be conscious of the fact that we may not be able to see our children clearly. That there may be something else in the way. If the interference is from outside of ourselves, we need to again understand it by asking the questions of where and why this is here and what can I do to help manage it? Do I need to move to regain my perspective or will it follow me, and so on.

Adjust focus

Maintaining perspective (or at least attempting to) is so important as a human being, not only as a parent.

We need to have perspective on what’s coming, what lies ahead. We need to help anticipate things for our children to better equip them for what they may face. We need to guide them and support them and encourage them, but we cannot do this if we cannot see them clearly.

We need to take time regularly to reflect on the clarity of our vision, and when we become aware of any blur developing or being present. We need to actively engage with it and take action to adjust our focus.

Take a moment and consider how clear your perspective is on your child or children? Are you feeling like you are operating a little blindly; like you have a sense of what you need to do, when and how, but it’s difficult because you don’t have the clarity you need? If so, take stock and reassess the situation. Try to determine where the source of your blur lies so that you can begin to make the necessary changes.

Parenting offers the clearest mirror of who we are and what we need,

we just need the courage to accept it.

#awareness #parent #children #parenting #dynamics

Disengaged Dads

Understanding Disengagement

Disengagement can be defined as the action or process of withdrawing from involvement in an activity, situation or group. Disengagement can occur in a multitude of contexts and different relationship types, but we will keep the focus here on the relationship between you and your children. A father can become disengaged for a number of reasons, and sometimes with some justifiable reasoning. Unfortunately the impact that this can and most likely will have on your children is significant and can have a life-long impact.

Emotional Disengagement

Emotional disengagement can take place between a father and a child (or children) when he disconnects from the emotionality of the relationship. By doing so, he creates a void between himself and his child where emotions get lost and what comes out of this negative-space is disappointment, frustration and hurt. The emotional disengagement is probably the most common type of disengagement that I witness with the families I engage with. So often the roles within a family are so strongly solidified with the mother generally being the emotional support for a child, and a father being the more hard and cold parent, regularly strong, hard-working and supportive, but emotionally disconnected from his children. Sadly, by falling into this role, we can demonstrate a false reality that can lead children to believe that men are not emotional, they don’t express emotion and dismiss, simplify and downplay emotions.

Physical Disengagement

It is a very common trend for fathers to be the very busy parent who works long hours. Who travels a significant amount during a year and is physically not very present in their child's life. Understandably, this is a necessary evil in order to provide your family with the lifestyle that they have, and the dedication to maintaining this lifestyle is commendable. However, by being relatively absent from your child’s life, you now run a significant risk of finding yourself faced with the void that was mentioned previously. A space of disconnect between you and your child, a space that can seem to fuel frustration and tension in the home. Just because a father is not physically present, it does not mean that the disengagement will occur. In fact there are many families where the father is physically present in the home on a daily basis, yet the physical disengagement still occurs as the effort to connect with his children is not present. Instead, watching TV, or doing things around the house alone seem more important than some quality time with his child. Similarly, there are many families where a father is not physically present (work commitments, divorce etc), yet thanks to his committed efforts to maintain a strong connection with his child, he is able to avoid becoming disengaged.

Social Disengagement

Social Disengagement can be another trap that seems to catch so many fathers. It is the disconnect from the extended social engagements that your child is involved in. This can include extramural commitments, playdates, parties and other social gatherings. Some families seem to have an unspoken (or spoken) rule that mom’s will attend the parties and take the kids to various other events. Sometimes this is due to work commitments, other times this is due to an avoidance of engaging with other parents and children, or preventing the dust from settling on your golf clubs. Now, I am certainly not suggesting that we completely sacrifice our own lives in order to attend all that our children do. In fact it is very important for your children to see that you do have your own hobbies and interests, however, when your hobbies and interests take priority over your role as a father, we then begin to enter a space of disengagement. Unfortunately, disengagement breeds more disengagement if it is not recognised and addressed.

General Disengagement

General disengagement by a father is likely to begin with one of the above mentioned types of disengagement. Over time the more isolated disengagement can begin to creep into other areas of your life and relationships until the disconnect that exists is so significant that it seems almost impossible to be able to salvage the relationships. A potential consequence of this is that there may be a conscious or subconscious need to overcompensate in various aspects of our lives. This could include material items, an over-focus on sports or other hobbies / activities, or even an over-indulgence with food, drink and other negative social behaviours. As we begin to feel isolated, dismissed or disconnected from those that we should be closest to, we begin to lose some of our identity and so we attempt to reestablish our identity in other spaces and with other people.

How and Why of Disengagement

When we consider our own lives, we will come to realise and accept that we will all, at some point or another, disengage from one or many relationships for varying reasons. Human beings are extremely complicated and interconnected beings. None of us live in isolation, and so our actions and engagements will impact those around us, just as those around us will impact us. Similarly, the events that unfold around us (past, present and future) will all impact us to some degree. All of these small and large factors carry the potential to lead us to disengage with those around us. Shifting our focus specifically to the relationships that exist between yourself and your children, there are many potential factors that could lead to disengagement, but there seem to be some common themes which present themselves regularly.

Personal Factors - these could include our own insecurities and triggers which, when unresolved, we carry with us every day and will impact how we engage with those around us and how we manage ourselves and situations. Often this is the most significant, yet most denied factor.

Relational Factors - A breakdown in relationships can occur for various reasons, and the impact can be a disengagement and disconnect that hold the individuals in a void and prevents the restoration of a positive relationship. An important consideration here is the roles and responsibilities that we assume, accept and live daily. If the roles are not balanced to some degree, we can become disengaged by default. For example, if it is mom’s role to do homework and manage the school engagements, a father may automatically begin to feel disconnected from this aspect of his child’s life which can further develop into a greater disconnect over time if nothing is done to intervene.

Developmental Factors - As children grow they move through different developmental stages and with each new stage comes new challenges, attitudes, behaviours and so on. Most often the change from one stage to another happens progressively and so it may not be noticeable at first. If a parent is unaware of a change, they can interpret new behaviours and attitudes in a negative light and react to them as opposed to respond and adapt to them. In doing so, some disconnect may present itself and where this is not rectified, disengagement can begin.

External Factors - Other factors such as financial stress, work stress, travel, politics and so on can have a significant impact on any or all members of a family. These factors may trigger other anxieties or insecurities in us which can ultimately lead to us becoming less present and more disconnected.

My Role as a Dad

It is critical that as a father you take a proactive stance regarding the relationships that you have with your children. You are the responsible adult, and it is up to you to be able to recognise and intervene when things seem to change or get difficult. When you are unsure about what you should or could do, it is up to you to ask for assistance. I emphasise the importance of you taking ownership of your role and relationships because at the end of the day, no one is going to make the relationship happen. No one is going to make the relationship strong and meaningful other than yourselves. We cannot expect our children to come to us, to fix what we feel is broken and to take full responsibility when we are the ones who are supposed to be teaching and supporting them while demonstrating an unconditional positive regard. If you want to have the close relationship with your children, then make it happen, and take action.

#dad #father #DADitude #disconnect #disengage #action #empower #change