Good Family Habits

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

The original 7 Habits book written by Stephen Covey has been edited and adapted for numerous audiences including children, teens, and marriage in addition to families as a whole. The 7 habits contained in each book remains consistent with only the explanation and understanding adapted to suit the different readers. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families is not written to be a quick fix or to offer tricks to being an effective family, but rather offers insight into the patterns of thinking and doing things that all successful families have in

common.

The Family Flight Plan​

Just like aeroplanes, families are not on course 100% of the time., which is normal, however it has become even more difficult to keep a family on course due to many societal changes we all experience. Considering this we need to do what we can to try remain on course as a family and the following are essential for the “journey” ahead:

• “Flight Plan” - clear understanding of family values, parental dynamic and general direction one would like their family to move in.

• “Destination” - Clear vision of where or what a family is moving towards. • “Compass” - To assist in staying on course. This could be support structures in and around the family that are able to provide the insight and direction when needed.

​Personal Bank Accounts

The starting point according to Covey is with ourselves. The way we feel, and treat ourselves as well as those around us will greatly determine the course of our journey. Covey refers to the Personal Bank Account (PBA) which functions similarly to a regular bank account in that we should aim to make more deposits than withdrawals so that we can be in a healthy, positive space. We make “deposits” though positive thoughts and behaviours such as achieving goals or even complementing others. Withdrawals on the other hand are the negative thoughts and behaviours we have such as blaming someone for a problem or being negatively critical of others. We should assess the state of our PBA and strive towards building up a healthy, positive balance.

Habit 1: Be proactive

“Between the stimulus and the response there is the freedom to choose. Being proactive require one to take action before having to react to a situation. This habit requires accepting rather than rejecting, understanding instead of judging and participation as opposed to manipulation. Being proactive requires one to be an active participant in life and not a passive, reactive bystander.

Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind​

“Through a family mission statement you can let your children know that you are totally committed to them, that you have been from the very moment of their birth or adoption.” Be clear on where you are going as an individual and as a family. It is crucial to have a clear view of the destination so that you are able to make the necessary changes and adjustments now to help you get there.

​Habit 3: Put first things first

“Who’s going to raise my children—today’s alarmingly destructive culture or me?” It is important to focus on what is important, and to do what needs to be done first. Our families and children should always remain at the centre of all we do as we are the ones who shape, equip and ultimately determine their futures. We often get caught up in work and life and can lose sight of the most important things in our lives that we take for granted.

Habit 4: Think win-win

“Parenting is not about being popular and giving in to every child’s whim and desire. It’s about making decisions that truly are win-win—however they may appear to the child at the time.” This applies directly to discipline at home, where discipline is is crucial in teaching and training your children to handle the real world. For it to be win-win it needs to be non-emotional and handled in a very direct, matter of fact way, consistently carrying out consequences agreed on beforehand.​

Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood

“Much of the pain in families is caused by lack of understanding.” Take the time to step out of your own busy life to learn and understand what is happening in your children’s lives. Let them see you genuinely trying to understand them and they will appreciate your effort and be more cooperative.

​Habit 6: S ynergise

“Synergy is...the magic that happens when one plus one equals three—or more.” Working together towards a collective goal is at the core of this habit. Combine all your strengths in a family so that you can achieve so much more. This is a collaborative process and can require you as the parent to step back and give your children a chance to lead.

Habit 7: Sharpen the saw

We often work so hard and are so focused on achieving deadlines and goals that we forget to take care of ourselves. “...the family itself must constantly nurture its collective conscience, social will, social awareness, and common vision. Family traditions include rituals and celebrations and meaningful events that you do in your family.” Take the time to reenergise and reconnect as a ​

​family and tasks and challenges ahead become less daunting.​

Taking the time to make the adjustments and to take control of your family’s ‘journey’ will go a long way in helping to shape your children into the adults you want them to be, and then be the parents you want them to remember. These changes take time, effort and persistence to be effective, and it is definitely not guaranteed that this will be a smooth journey.

Sources:

Stephen R. Covey & Sandra M. Covey, 1998, “The 7 H abits of H ighly Effective Families”

David Mays, Book Notes, 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, www.davidmays.org

Wikipedia, Stephen Covey, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Covey

Fight Mediocrity, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Book by Stephen Covey, https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=ktlTxC4QG8g

Allen & Unwin, Family Business Resource Centre, Book Review: 7 Habits of highly Effective Families, http:// www.(rc.com.au/Default.aspx?SiteSearchID=642&PageID=1734098

#Family #parenting #Children #habits

Parenting in Cyberspace

​Cyber Parenting

One of the greatest challenges presenting itself to todays parents, with regards to cyber space, is how to control it. Unfortunately there is no clear and easy answer to this, but one thing that is absolutely crucial, and that should be the starting point for each household, is to have a very clear set of rules, limitations and expectations for the whole family.

The internet is a playground for all sorts of undesirable characters, activities and content. For this reason we should be very careful what we allow our children to access during their time online. Unfortunately, many of our children are far more tech-savvy than we as adults are, which can make monitoring their online behaviour even more

difficult. Cyber parenting is so important and should be taken seriously. It is imperative that you create the rules as well as explain the need for these rules, removing all ambiguity. Importantly, these cyber rules need to apply to all individuals in the house, including you as the parents.

​​Why Cyber Parenting?

I recently attended a talk by Emma Sadleir on the topic of Social Media Law, which opened my eyes to the scary reality of the internet and the potential harm and legal ramifications of our online behaviour. Following Emma’s presentation, it was clear that we need to learn more about what our children are doing online, but also take a much more active role in monitoring their online behaviour.

Where do we start?

The starting point is educating ourselves on what our children are exposed to, what the age limits are, and what we can do to help protect them. It is essential to set some time aside so that you can answer your questions and be informed. It is also crucial to determine how technology fits into your family and ties in with your family values, rules and boundaries. Cyber parenting and discipline within the home are inseparable as your children’s online behaviour should mirror that of what you expect from them in reality.

Age Limits

Each website and social network with have their own age restrictions, research these and become familiar with these so that you are not in the dark. It is also a good idea to have a look over some of the terms and conditions so that you have a better understanding of what using a certain website or application actually means. Here are some age limits for a few popular websites:

Facebook – 13 years old

Instagram – 13 years old

YouTube – 13 years old

Myspace – 13 years old

Snapchat – 13 years old

WhatsApp – 16 years old

Twitter – no age limit ​​

(thirdparent.com)

Time Limits

How long should your children, or you, be spending in front of a screen each day is a very difficult question to answer. There is plenty research on the topic, however a lot of it provides contradictory or vague generalisations. At the end of they day, we need to bear two important facts in mind. Firstly, all screens emit a blue light that refreshes numerous times a second (we don't notice this), whether it a cellphone, television or iPad. The younger a person is, the less developed their central nervous system is which interprets these “flashing” impulses. Screen time can impact the neural development in our brains, and so we need try to limit the use where we can. Click here for an article on the matter.

Secondly, we need to bear in mind what screen time means within our families. How do you spend your own time at home, how much time does your family spend in front of a screen, and how much screen time would you prefer for your family. This becomes a personal choice for each individual family and should be related back to your family values, and discipline structures.

​Application and content limits

The internet is an amazing resource that is loaded with information and useful content, however we need to be aware of the inappropriate, time-wasting and explicit content that is also online that children are very likely to come across. Being aware of what children are doing online is important when it comes to monitoring and protecting them from harmful content. Rules need to be set and discussed with all family members as to what type of content, when and how it may be accessed. Following this, it will be important to put other measures in place as some children will purposely still seek this content, while others may innocently come across it. Therefore, having firewalls, different user accounts and monitoring software is important.

The way forward

• Take control - do not let your children dictate what, when and how they use technology and ​​the internet. It is up to you and the rules that have been implemented at home.

• Set limits and restrictions, and be very clear on these for all members in the home.

• Be a role model for the behaviour you want to see in your children.

• Be informed - spend time researching and learning how to use websites, programs and devices.

• Set up different user profiles on all computers at home that have different restrictions per user. You can even determine what time or how much time can be spent on the computer.

• Mobile devices need to be controlled too, set rules and make use of the restrictions settings​​ where possible, or even make us of a third party application to help control these devices.

• There needs to be understanding that as a parent you will monitor and check your children’s device and internet usage, as you have responsibility to protect them, it is not that you do not trust them, and there should be no negotiation on this point.

• Keep your computer and online connection password protected and use passwords that ingenious children cannot figure out. Change your password on a regular basis. It is better to be safe than sorry.

• Make sure that you teach your children about online safety. When they are small we teach them about not talking to strangers, yet we forget to do this when they start using the internet. Make sure that you teach your children not to give out their full names, where they live or their phone numbers. Emma Sadleir’s book “Don’t film yourself having sex” is a very good resource when dealing with online safety. Familiarise yourself with the content of her book and make sure that you and your children understand the laws of the cyber world.

• Be sure to install filtering software to prevent your children from being exposed to topics that would make you cringe, but remember that software is only a tool, NOT a replacement for your involvement. Some examples of good filtering software are:

• SentryPC

• CyberSitter

• Cyber Patrol

• Net Nanny

• Qustodio

​Lastly, online monitoring is a sign of a caring parent who is involved in their children’s activities and the information that they are in contact with. Yes, learning about the internet is frustrating and time consuming, but it is imperative in today’s society.

A computer, cellphone or tablet with an online connection is not a baby sitter and we need to take an active role in teaching and protecting our children. Learn, get involved and be a part of your children’s online experiences. Look at it as an activity you can share together!

#Children #Discipline #Family #technology #cyberspace #parenting