Creating realistic expectations

An expectation is defined as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case”. We all have them, and there is nothing wrong with having expectations. In fact, it is very important to have them, and we will all experience expectations to varying degrees about everything that happens in our lives.

Types of expectations

In this world of chaos, we seem to be in desperate need for some peace and calm to help us re-energise ourselves so that we can carry on. This is even more important when we add children into the mix. The question is, how? Some expectations take place in the background of our minds and we are not even aware of them, while others can consume our thoughts at times and cause significant challenges in the relationships we have with others, as well as with ourselves. It is important to take time to become aware of the expectations that we engage with the world through. Below are some considerations that can help you begin creating greater awareness.

• Front of mind - consciously aware of these expectations.

• Back of mind - subconsciously sitting in the back of our minds.

• Expectations of self

• Expectation of others

• Expectations of things

• Expectations of things in our control vs out of our control.

The power of expectations

At the heart of all frustration and disappointment are unmet expectations. I challenge you to consider the most recent disappointment you experienced, can you recall what the cause of this was? If you are able to reflect on this you are most likely going to arrive at a realisation that you had an expectation of a person, yourself or a situation that did not unfold as you had hoped (or expected) it to. Expectations have the ability to make or break relationships as well as individuals, and we need to be conscious of the role that we allow them to play in our lives on a daily basis. Expectations can be extremely powerful, and it is critical that they remain within our control and awareness.

Cycle of negative expectations

Unmet expectations can and likely will lead to arguments/fights/frustrations for all of us in all of the contexts that we operate in. The interesting thing is that the reason for our frustrations is not often related to the fact that OUR expectations have not been met, but rather there is a tendency to seek reasons or excuses through others behaviours. By emphasising the other persons behaviour, we do bring to the surface our expectations and can often make others aware of these expectations (unfortunately this is often done in indirect ways). Through this engagement, the other person or people become aware of what behaviour or actions ‘should’ have taken place. There is then likely to be a change in the behaviour, but often this is short lived. The reason that the effect is short lived is often due to the following:

• Frustrations / concerns are raised

• Other person aware / forced to be aware of their action

• Changes occur in others behaviour to meet expectation raised

• Reason / understanding not internalised by other as reasoning behind change is for another, not self.

• Over time, behaviour cycles back, creating an unmet expectation again.

Adjusting Expectations

It is critical to know and understand what expectations we hold for ourselves and of others. If we do not firstly know what our expectations are so that we can take steps to adjust them accordingly, we will be constantly disappointed. We need to bear in mind that we cannot (within reason) expect others to change their behaviour and the way that they engage with the world because we want it done differently. We do not have that amount of power or authority over other people, and when we assume we do, we often create situations that can become tense, frustrating and end in conflict.

We need to take ownership of our expectations, and understand why we hold them. As we gain insight into this, we become more empowered to make some changes. For example, we may hold an expectation of our partner that they should text a number of times through the course of a day. When this is not met, we may feel neglected and become frustrated or angry. In order to adjust my expectation, I need to understand that it is my need that leads me to feel neglected when I don’t receive the text messages. It is not my partners behaviour. If I understand this and am able to communicate this to my partner, we can engage in a conversation that can allow him/her to gain understanding regarding what is expected of them that can then be unpacked in terms of what is practical and realistic to expect. Thus, through this process we are able to understand our needs, adjust our expectations appropriately and communicate this to those concerned in order to avoid any misunderstandings.

Remember, adjusting expectations takes work and effort from you, but is necessary if we are to achieve a sense of accomplishment, satisfaction and happiness in relationships and life.

Realistic Expectations

Often there is a disconnect between what people expect and reality. Some considerations to close the gap between expectations and reality can be highlighted by asking why.

Question WHY you have certain expectations

• Where does the need / desire to achieve something come from?

• Who is it for?

• What does my expectation actually look like?

• Who am I expecting this from?

• What is the context of this expectation (eg parents expecting their children to behave / experience life as they did as a child) ?

Ask yourself these questions in order to be quite critical of the expectations that you hold. If you can confidently and realistically answer the questions, then most likely your expectations are reasonable.

Communicate Expectations

In order for any expectation to be achievable it needs to be communicated and understood by those that we expect it from. Some expectations may be common sense or in a similar ‘universal expectation’ group, and so these will likely not need to be communicated to some of those that we interact with (for example a shop assistant or a waiter). For the more specific expectations, however, we do need to communicate with those that we need the specific behaviour or engagement from. Critically though, we need to first and foremost communicate with ourselves as we need to know and understand what is expected and why.

We can then communicate with those that we have expectations of so that they can understand what is actually expected of them, and why. The communication process should allow for some discussion and possible negotiation of the expectations. We need to allow the other person / people to understand our motivation and allow them to discuss their understanding of achieving or meeting this expectation and the likelihood of it being continued. Through this communication process we are able to determine whether the expectations are realistically going to be achieved moving forward.

Expectation Review

Take time to regularly review your expectations, of self and others. Review, change or discuss expectations which seem to be unrealistic or that have changed over time. We need to constantly consider alternatives to achieve our expectations so that we can most often achieve what we need.

It is important that we find balance between the expectations we hold and the reality of our situations. If we are unable to negotiate this balance, we are likely to feel frustrated with unmet expectations. We have the power to adjust and manage our expectations, not to change who people are, or how they engage with the world. Focus on what you can do, and often the ripples of change become quite noticeable.

#communication #conflict #expectations #relationships

Healthy Habits for Happy Families

Habits and the Family

A habit is a routine of behaviour that is repeated regularly and tends to occur subconsciously.

As individuals we create, develop and reinforce habits throughout our lives, and the same happens within the family space.

Simple things such as who cooks dinner, cleans the pool, tidies the dogs mess, or makes the coffee in the morning may begin as new behaviours, but over time and with reinforcement, they become the habits that can continue for years, and often lead to expectations being established.

Family conflict, frustrations and tension often result from unmet expectations (this applies to most relationships). We are creatures of habit, and we generally tend to look for routines, patterns and roles that are predictable and comfortable for us. This allows us to feel safe and secure in our comfort zones. But over time, things around us change and the effects can be seen throughout our lives, as our comfort zones and routines are forced to change.

Change is normal and natural, and we should expect it, but the funny thing is, so many of us are surprised when change comes along. A baby becoming a toddler or a teenager for example can come as quite a surprise to some. We need to remember that change brings change. It can have a snowball effect, and it can disrupt the equilibrium that we have been able to create. Having a child for example creates significant change in all aspects of our lives.

Sometimes we can hang on to our ideas of how we want things to be, or how we imagine things should be, which can cause havoc in our relationships as these expectations may be assumed and not understood or communicated clearly. When change comes along, chaos ensues. If we are not able to adjust our expectations and roll with the punches life throws, we are going to be faced with some very challenging situations. We logically know that life is complicated, and reality is not straightforward, yet often we forget this. Reality is messy, chaotic and unpredictable, it requires constant adjustment and adaptation.

This is one of the most important lessons we need to teach our children. We need to teach them that we can either engage with life and get frustrated when things don't go our way, or we can teach them that life happens, and we need to anticipate, roll with the punches and embrace the opportunities presented to us. Leading by example and teaching your children some essential habits that will help guide them through life should remain a primary goal of being a parent.

Highly Effective Families

The original 7 Habits book written by Stephen Covey has been edited and adapted for numerous audiences including children, teens, and marriage in addition to families as a whole. The 7 habits contained in each book remains consistent with only the explanation and understanding adapted to suit the different readers. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families is not written to be a quick fix or to offer tricks to be an effective family, but rather offers insight into the patterns of thinking and doing things that all successful families have in common.

The Family Flight Plan

Just like aeroplanes, families are not on course 100% of the time, which is normal, however it has become even more difficult to keep a family on course due to many societal changes we all experience. Considering this we need to do what we can to remain on course as a family and the following are essential for the “journey” ahead:

“Flight Plan” - clear understanding of family values, parental dynamic and general direction one would like their family to move in. “Destination” - Clear vision of where or what a family is moving towards. “Compass” - To assist in staying on course. This could be support structures in and around the family that are able to provide the insight and direction when needed.

Personal Bank Accounts

The starting point according to Covey is with ourselves. The way we feel and treat ourselves as well as those around us will greatly determine the course of our journey. Covey refers to the Personal Bank Account (PBA) which functions similarly to a regular bank account in that we should aim to make more deposits than withdrawals so that we can be in a healthy, positive space. We make “deposits” through positive thoughts and behaviours such as achieving goals or even complementing others. Withdrawals on the other hand are the negative thoughts and behaviours we have such as blaming someone for a problem or being negatively critical of others. We should assess the state of our PBA and strive towards building up a healthy, positive balance.

Habit 1: Be proactive

“Between the stimulus and the response there is the freedom to choose. Being proactive requires one to take action before having to react to a situation. This habit requires accepting rather than rejecting, understanding instead of judging and participation as opposed to manipulation. Being proactive requires one to be an active participant in life and not a passive, reactive bystander.

Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind

“Through a family mission statement, you can let your children know that you are totally committed to them, that you have been from the very moment of their birth or adoption.” Be clear on where you are going as an individual and as a family. It is crucial to have a clear view of the destination so that you are able to make the necessary changes and adjustments now to help you get there.

Habit 3: Put first things first

“Who’s going to raise my children—today’s alarmingly destructive culture or me?” It is important to focus on what is important, and to do what needs to be done first. Our families and children should always remain at the centre of all we do as we are the ones who shape, equip and ultimately determine their futures. We often get caught up in work and life and can lose sight of the most important things in our lives that we take for granted.

Habit 4:Think win-win

“Parenting is not about being popular and giving in to every child’s whim and desire. It’s about making decisions that truly are win-win—however they may appear to the child at the time.” This applies directly to discipline at home, where discipline is crucial in teaching and training your children to handle the real world. For it to be win-win it needs to be non-emotional and handled in a very direct, matter of

fact way, consistently carrying out consequences agreed on beforehand.

Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood

“Much of the pain in families is caused by lack of understanding.” Take the time to step out of your own busy life to learn and understand what is happening in your children’s lives. Let them see you genuinely trying to understand them and they will appreciate your effort and be more cooperative.

​Habit 6: Synergise

“Synergy is...the magic that happens when one plus one equals three—or more.” Working together towards a collective goal is at the core of this habit. Combine all your strengths in a family so that you can achieve so much more. This is a collaborative process and can require you as the parent to step back and give your children a chance to lead.

Habit 7: Sharpen the saw

We often work so hard and are so focused on achieving deadlines and goals that we forget to take care of ourselves. “...the family itself must constantly nurture its collective conscience, social will, social awareness, and common vision. Family traditions include rituals and celebrations and meaningful events that you do in your family.”

Take the time to reenergise and reconnect as a family and tasks and challenges ahead become less daunting. Taking the time to make the adjustments and to take control of your family’s ‘journey’ will go a long way in helping to shape your children into the adults you want them to be, and then be the parents you want them to remember. These changes take time, effort and persistence to be effective, and it is definitely not guaranteed that this will be a smooth journey.

#Family #Healthy #Habits #Change #Expectations #Communication #awareness