Parental Blur

Parenting is not for the faint-hearted. There is always something to consider, something to do, or a new challenge looming. At the heart of it all is a desire to give our children the best we can. Unfortunately, there are times when we may not give our children our best, when we may teach them the wrong lessons. Sometimes we are aware of this taking place, at other times this happens without us even realising it.

Often, when our children are engaging with others we can often see them and their needs quite clearly, but when their interactions are more direct with us as parents and a little more ‘in your face' we start to experience what I like to call “parental blur”. This occurs when we no longer see our children and their needs clearly. Maintaining parental perspective is not easy, but remains an important part of our role as parents.

The Blur

Consider for a moment, when we hold our phone at arms length, we can often see it clearly. We can see it’s detail and take in the whole of it. However, when we bring the phone right up close to our noses, we lose focus. We are no longer able to see it clearly, and it may not even be perceivable as a phone anymore. The same logic can be applied to parenting.

When our children are a little distance from us, we can often perceive them clearly. We can see them for who they are and all that they can be. We can have a good sense of their needs and how we can best support them in order to help them achieve their goals and we can generally appreciate them fully.

But, often when our children come closer to us (physically, mentally or emotionally) we can begin to lose perspective. The closer they get, the less clearly we can see them until we completely lose sight of them. When this occurs our focus shifts to ourselves and our needs. If you can imagine the idea of the phone right up in your face, you may feel a sense of frustration or irritation. The same can occur with our children, and often without us even realising it. When this does occur, we begin to lose the clarity that we previously had. We begin to lose sight of their uniqueness and their strengths and weaknesses. We begin to see them less and less as the previously well-defined child, and we see them more as a blur.

But, this is not always a bad thing. It is important that things are about us from time to time. We are only human after all. Right now, we are talking about our own little personal bubble, and it is important that we protect this and keep it intact, however, we need to be cognisant of our children and how we may engage or disengage when we are focused on our own ‘stuff’. First and foremost is the ability to actually recognise when we feel our child, children or anybody else for that matter is in our space. We need to practice and develop the skills to recognise when we can no longer see others clearly. If we can become aware of this, and we can recognise the ‘blur’ that we are experiencing, we can then begin to manage it appropriately.

Unfortunately, more often than not there is a lack of control when this happens and we react. Our behaviour can seem childish or unsupportive. It can seem selfish and it can send mixed messages to our children. When we experience blur, we may experience our personal space being violated and so we often react emotionally. Unfortunately, our children can experience this as inconsistency in their relationships where, on the one hand they have your support and love and encouragement and then, on the other hand, they can experience something so different.

We can understand why and how this can occur, and that it makes sense that it will occur, but what is important is that we are able to recognise it when it begins to happen so that the positive, necessary steps can to taken to ensure that perspective can be maintained.

Interference Blur

The parental blur that has been discussed above refers specifically to the situations where we lose our own personal focus on our children. Let us now consider a different type of parental blur that can occur, one that involves people or things outside of our immediate self.

Take a moment to consider looking at your child, comfortably and well focused. Now consider what happens to our view of our child if a hand or another object is placed in our line of sight. Our view is obstructed and we now begin to experience a similar situation to that of the previous parental blur. In this situation, however, the interference in our view is caused outside of ourselves.

This could be another person, or other factors such as politics, finances, family dynamics, relationships, work, conflicts and so on. In these situations, the blur (or interference) that is experienced leads us to often lose sight of that which we intend to keep in our focus: our children.

Now, again we are all human and so this interference blur is inevitable, but it is important to be aware of it. To be conscious of the fact that we may not be able to see our children clearly. That there may be something else in the way. If the interference is from outside of ourselves, we need to again understand it by asking the questions of where and why this is here and what can I do to help manage it? Do I need to move to regain my perspective or will it follow me, and so on.

Adjust focus

Maintaining perspective (or at least attempting to) is so important as a human being, not only as a parent.

We need to have perspective on what’s coming, what lies ahead. We need to help anticipate things for our children to better equip them for what they may face. We need to guide them and support them and encourage them, but we cannot do this if we cannot see them clearly.

We need to take time regularly to reflect on the clarity of our vision, and when we become aware of any blur developing or being present. We need to actively engage with it and take action to adjust our focus.

Take a moment and consider how clear your perspective is on your child or children? Are you feeling like you are operating a little blindly; like you have a sense of what you need to do, when and how, but it’s difficult because you don’t have the clarity you need? If so, take stock and reassess the situation. Try to determine where the source of your blur lies so that you can begin to make the necessary changes.

Parenting offers the clearest mirror of who we are and what we need,

we just need the courage to accept it.

#awareness #parent #children #parenting #dynamics

Disengaged Dads

Understanding Disengagement

Disengagement can be defined as the action or process of withdrawing from involvement in an activity, situation or group. Disengagement can occur in a multitude of contexts and different relationship types, but we will keep the focus here on the relationship between you and your children. A father can become disengaged for a number of reasons, and sometimes with some justifiable reasoning. Unfortunately the impact that this can and most likely will have on your children is significant and can have a life-long impact.

Emotional Disengagement

Emotional disengagement can take place between a father and a child (or children) when he disconnects from the emotionality of the relationship. By doing so, he creates a void between himself and his child where emotions get lost and what comes out of this negative-space is disappointment, frustration and hurt. The emotional disengagement is probably the most common type of disengagement that I witness with the families I engage with. So often the roles within a family are so strongly solidified with the mother generally being the emotional support for a child, and a father being the more hard and cold parent, regularly strong, hard-working and supportive, but emotionally disconnected from his children. Sadly, by falling into this role, we can demonstrate a false reality that can lead children to believe that men are not emotional, they don’t express emotion and dismiss, simplify and downplay emotions.

Physical Disengagement

It is a very common trend for fathers to be the very busy parent who works long hours. Who travels a significant amount during a year and is physically not very present in their child's life. Understandably, this is a necessary evil in order to provide your family with the lifestyle that they have, and the dedication to maintaining this lifestyle is commendable. However, by being relatively absent from your child’s life, you now run a significant risk of finding yourself faced with the void that was mentioned previously. A space of disconnect between you and your child, a space that can seem to fuel frustration and tension in the home. Just because a father is not physically present, it does not mean that the disengagement will occur. In fact there are many families where the father is physically present in the home on a daily basis, yet the physical disengagement still occurs as the effort to connect with his children is not present. Instead, watching TV, or doing things around the house alone seem more important than some quality time with his child. Similarly, there are many families where a father is not physically present (work commitments, divorce etc), yet thanks to his committed efforts to maintain a strong connection with his child, he is able to avoid becoming disengaged.

Social Disengagement

Social Disengagement can be another trap that seems to catch so many fathers. It is the disconnect from the extended social engagements that your child is involved in. This can include extramural commitments, playdates, parties and other social gatherings. Some families seem to have an unspoken (or spoken) rule that mom’s will attend the parties and take the kids to various other events. Sometimes this is due to work commitments, other times this is due to an avoidance of engaging with other parents and children, or preventing the dust from settling on your golf clubs. Now, I am certainly not suggesting that we completely sacrifice our own lives in order to attend all that our children do. In fact it is very important for your children to see that you do have your own hobbies and interests, however, when your hobbies and interests take priority over your role as a father, we then begin to enter a space of disengagement. Unfortunately, disengagement breeds more disengagement if it is not recognised and addressed.

General Disengagement

General disengagement by a father is likely to begin with one of the above mentioned types of disengagement. Over time the more isolated disengagement can begin to creep into other areas of your life and relationships until the disconnect that exists is so significant that it seems almost impossible to be able to salvage the relationships. A potential consequence of this is that there may be a conscious or subconscious need to overcompensate in various aspects of our lives. This could include material items, an over-focus on sports or other hobbies / activities, or even an over-indulgence with food, drink and other negative social behaviours. As we begin to feel isolated, dismissed or disconnected from those that we should be closest to, we begin to lose some of our identity and so we attempt to reestablish our identity in other spaces and with other people.

How and Why of Disengagement

When we consider our own lives, we will come to realise and accept that we will all, at some point or another, disengage from one or many relationships for varying reasons. Human beings are extremely complicated and interconnected beings. None of us live in isolation, and so our actions and engagements will impact those around us, just as those around us will impact us. Similarly, the events that unfold around us (past, present and future) will all impact us to some degree. All of these small and large factors carry the potential to lead us to disengage with those around us. Shifting our focus specifically to the relationships that exist between yourself and your children, there are many potential factors that could lead to disengagement, but there seem to be some common themes which present themselves regularly.

Personal Factors - these could include our own insecurities and triggers which, when unresolved, we carry with us every day and will impact how we engage with those around us and how we manage ourselves and situations. Often this is the most significant, yet most denied factor.

Relational Factors - A breakdown in relationships can occur for various reasons, and the impact can be a disengagement and disconnect that hold the individuals in a void and prevents the restoration of a positive relationship. An important consideration here is the roles and responsibilities that we assume, accept and live daily. If the roles are not balanced to some degree, we can become disengaged by default. For example, if it is mom’s role to do homework and manage the school engagements, a father may automatically begin to feel disconnected from this aspect of his child’s life which can further develop into a greater disconnect over time if nothing is done to intervene.

Developmental Factors - As children grow they move through different developmental stages and with each new stage comes new challenges, attitudes, behaviours and so on. Most often the change from one stage to another happens progressively and so it may not be noticeable at first. If a parent is unaware of a change, they can interpret new behaviours and attitudes in a negative light and react to them as opposed to respond and adapt to them. In doing so, some disconnect may present itself and where this is not rectified, disengagement can begin.

External Factors - Other factors such as financial stress, work stress, travel, politics and so on can have a significant impact on any or all members of a family. These factors may trigger other anxieties or insecurities in us which can ultimately lead to us becoming less present and more disconnected.

My Role as a Dad

It is critical that as a father you take a proactive stance regarding the relationships that you have with your children. You are the responsible adult, and it is up to you to be able to recognise and intervene when things seem to change or get difficult. When you are unsure about what you should or could do, it is up to you to ask for assistance. I emphasise the importance of you taking ownership of your role and relationships because at the end of the day, no one is going to make the relationship happen. No one is going to make the relationship strong and meaningful other than yourselves. We cannot expect our children to come to us, to fix what we feel is broken and to take full responsibility when we are the ones who are supposed to be teaching and supporting them while demonstrating an unconditional positive regard. If you want to have the close relationship with your children, then make it happen, and take action.

#dad #father #DADitude #disconnect #disengage #action #empower #change

Creating realistic expectations

An expectation is defined as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case”. We all have them, and there is nothing wrong with having expectations. In fact, it is very important to have them, and we will all experience expectations to varying degrees about everything that happens in our lives.

Types of expectations

In this world of chaos, we seem to be in desperate need for some peace and calm to help us re-energise ourselves so that we can carry on. This is even more important when we add children into the mix. The question is, how? Some expectations take place in the background of our minds and we are not even aware of them, while others can consume our thoughts at times and cause significant challenges in the relationships we have with others, as well as with ourselves. It is important to take time to become aware of the expectations that we engage with the world through. Below are some considerations that can help you begin creating greater awareness.

• Front of mind - consciously aware of these expectations.

• Back of mind - subconsciously sitting in the back of our minds.

• Expectations of self

• Expectation of others

• Expectations of things

• Expectations of things in our control vs out of our control.

The power of expectations

At the heart of all frustration and disappointment are unmet expectations. I challenge you to consider the most recent disappointment you experienced, can you recall what the cause of this was? If you are able to reflect on this you are most likely going to arrive at a realisation that you had an expectation of a person, yourself or a situation that did not unfold as you had hoped (or expected) it to. Expectations have the ability to make or break relationships as well as individuals, and we need to be conscious of the role that we allow them to play in our lives on a daily basis. Expectations can be extremely powerful, and it is critical that they remain within our control and awareness.

Cycle of negative expectations

Unmet expectations can and likely will lead to arguments/fights/frustrations for all of us in all of the contexts that we operate in. The interesting thing is that the reason for our frustrations is not often related to the fact that OUR expectations have not been met, but rather there is a tendency to seek reasons or excuses through others behaviours. By emphasising the other persons behaviour, we do bring to the surface our expectations and can often make others aware of these expectations (unfortunately this is often done in indirect ways). Through this engagement, the other person or people become aware of what behaviour or actions ‘should’ have taken place. There is then likely to be a change in the behaviour, but often this is short lived. The reason that the effect is short lived is often due to the following:

• Frustrations / concerns are raised

• Other person aware / forced to be aware of their action

• Changes occur in others behaviour to meet expectation raised

• Reason / understanding not internalised by other as reasoning behind change is for another, not self.

• Over time, behaviour cycles back, creating an unmet expectation again.

Adjusting Expectations

It is critical to know and understand what expectations we hold for ourselves and of others. If we do not firstly know what our expectations are so that we can take steps to adjust them accordingly, we will be constantly disappointed. We need to bear in mind that we cannot (within reason) expect others to change their behaviour and the way that they engage with the world because we want it done differently. We do not have that amount of power or authority over other people, and when we assume we do, we often create situations that can become tense, frustrating and end in conflict.

We need to take ownership of our expectations, and understand why we hold them. As we gain insight into this, we become more empowered to make some changes. For example, we may hold an expectation of our partner that they should text a number of times through the course of a day. When this is not met, we may feel neglected and become frustrated or angry. In order to adjust my expectation, I need to understand that it is my need that leads me to feel neglected when I don’t receive the text messages. It is not my partners behaviour. If I understand this and am able to communicate this to my partner, we can engage in a conversation that can allow him/her to gain understanding regarding what is expected of them that can then be unpacked in terms of what is practical and realistic to expect. Thus, through this process we are able to understand our needs, adjust our expectations appropriately and communicate this to those concerned in order to avoid any misunderstandings.

Remember, adjusting expectations takes work and effort from you, but is necessary if we are to achieve a sense of accomplishment, satisfaction and happiness in relationships and life.

Realistic Expectations

Often there is a disconnect between what people expect and reality. Some considerations to close the gap between expectations and reality can be highlighted by asking why.

Question WHY you have certain expectations

• Where does the need / desire to achieve something come from?

• Who is it for?

• What does my expectation actually look like?

• Who am I expecting this from?

• What is the context of this expectation (eg parents expecting their children to behave / experience life as they did as a child) ?

Ask yourself these questions in order to be quite critical of the expectations that you hold. If you can confidently and realistically answer the questions, then most likely your expectations are reasonable.

Communicate Expectations

In order for any expectation to be achievable it needs to be communicated and understood by those that we expect it from. Some expectations may be common sense or in a similar ‘universal expectation’ group, and so these will likely not need to be communicated to some of those that we interact with (for example a shop assistant or a waiter). For the more specific expectations, however, we do need to communicate with those that we need the specific behaviour or engagement from. Critically though, we need to first and foremost communicate with ourselves as we need to know and understand what is expected and why.

We can then communicate with those that we have expectations of so that they can understand what is actually expected of them, and why. The communication process should allow for some discussion and possible negotiation of the expectations. We need to allow the other person / people to understand our motivation and allow them to discuss their understanding of achieving or meeting this expectation and the likelihood of it being continued. Through this communication process we are able to determine whether the expectations are realistically going to be achieved moving forward.

Expectation Review

Take time to regularly review your expectations, of self and others. Review, change or discuss expectations which seem to be unrealistic or that have changed over time. We need to constantly consider alternatives to achieve our expectations so that we can most often achieve what we need.

It is important that we find balance between the expectations we hold and the reality of our situations. If we are unable to negotiate this balance, we are likely to feel frustrated with unmet expectations. We have the power to adjust and manage our expectations, not to change who people are, or how they engage with the world. Focus on what you can do, and often the ripples of change become quite noticeable.

#communication #conflict #expectations #relationships